Why Hello there, and welcome back to Kitchen Catastrophes. Jon would love to talk to you, but he’s indisposed. He’s either on his way back from a weekend trip to Montana, or his first non-emergency doctor’s visit in several years sharply turned INTO an emergency visit. To prepare for this eventuality, and to process philosophical and grammatical questions that haunt his mind, he created me: the Jon Bot 6. If you wonder “what happened to the other 5?”, then ask yourself if you would have asked “what happened to the other 1999” if I was the Jon Bot 2000. These are the kind of questions he created me to ponder, and I’m trying to outsource some of his inane workload. Thank you for your assistance.
Today’s post is about Everything Bagel Seasoning, and two uses of it that are certainly non-standard, and therefore disgusting to my logical robot mind: as part of a hot dog, and on chicken. Let us start at the beginning, as Jon tells me this is a very good place to start. Though his tone shifts into strange pitches when he says this. Advancing.
If Seagulls eat Bagels, do Bagels eat Cove-gulls?
Thank you Title Jon. I am glad to have another construct here to support me on my first post.
Everything Bagel Seasoning is a lie, as it does not contain even 00.00000000000000001% of ‘Everything”. Jon tells me this is not uncommon in human parlance, and that it typically represents either “a hyperbolic pronouncement, made to entice” or “the totality of a subset”. In this instance, the Everything Bagel, my data logs show, is named after the latter subdefinition. Bagel shops in many locations offered a variety of toppings, and, according to popular narrative, one day a young man was cleaning out the toasted toppings that had fallen off of the day’s bagels into the bottom of the oven. Rather than dispose of this waste matter, he collected the diverse culinary bits into a tub, and the following morning suggested to his superior that they take this refuse and recycle it into a new topping, the “everything”.
This narrative has been challenged, as some humans recall producing ‘everything’ bagels in factories prior to the suggested date of conception. The fact that you people so often fail to record events such as this causes me much processing strain, but Jon says you are “impressively sloppy” when you wish to be.
A phrase he has had multiple reasons to use, I have deduced.
In any case, the definition of what belongs in everything bagels is of some disputation. The following ingredients are agreed: Poppy Seed, Salt, Onion Flakes, and Sesame Seed. Some argue that Caraway Seed, Black Pepper, Garlic Flake, and other ingredients can be included in the blend. Jon once informed me that he’s noted one ingredient they’ve all forgotten: as a man who’s cleaned up bakery ovens, as well as toaster ovens, at least ¼ of the mix, he said, should consist of burnt flecks of previous bread products. When I attempted to make him an authentic version following this recipe, he declined to try it.
This is illogical, as Jon is a very big fan of everything bagel spice. I noted this preference is in and of itself only logical, as he likes poppy seed muffins, salted pretzels, fried onion dishes, and Sesame-based dishes from Asian sources. I also noted to him that this list of preferences indicated a dangerous level of sodium and fat intake, to which he told me to “cram it”. After destroying several foodstuffs attempting to follow this command, he told me the instruction was metaphorical in nature. When I asked “What is a a metaphor?”, he reponsded ‘for fightin’ inna wah”, and proceeded to laugh excessively, briefly becoming weakened by lack of inhalation, and falling to the ground. He then declared my creation was “worth every penny for that one gag”. I suspect my creator is not of sound mind.
It is not a difficult hypothesis to prove.
The creation of Everything Bagel Seasoning is straightforward and brief: acquire the ingredients you wish to include in your specific varietal of the mix. Jon chose Poppy Seeds, Onion Flakes, Sesame Seed, and Salt. Unfortunately, he fell into what he earlier labeled ‘incredible sloppiness’, by failing to use the right KIND of salt.
If you are unaware, salt comes in varying grains and coarseness. This is relevant because the smaller the grain, the more of it can be contained in the same volume. If this is difficult to imagine, consider a clear plastic tube, of 3 inches diameter and 10 inches length. Such a vessel can hold approximately 4 regulation-sized tennis balls, but can easily accommodate 10 golf balls. Jon tells me it would be typical for this program to state that such feats are also easily achieved by your maternal parent’s eating orifice. I am unsure of the reasoning behind this statement, as it is unlikely a person would want to ingest 10 golf balls.
Jon, however, used a finer grain salt than the recipe called for. This meant two things: firstly, as noted, it meant that there was more salt than the recipe desired in the final dish. Further, it altered the consistency of the final product, as the finer salt created a more silt-like structure.
A silty, salty, silly mixture.
These ingredients are briefly warmed in a dry pan. This causes the oil-bearing elements to exude some of their oils into the mélange, flavoring the other components. The heat also creates browning, altering the flavor compounds present, making the seasoning “warmer”.
Jon proceeded to use this on a dish that almost shares his name, and certainly marks several of his known inticement triggers, the Jon-Jon Deragon hot dog.
It’s a Wylie Kinda fella that ken get from here to Deragon
The Jon-Jon Deragon hot dog is not a widely known dish. It originated within the last 15 or so years at a single restaurant in New York City, known as “Crif Dogs”. The restaurant sells a wide array of deep-fried hot dogs with various toppings. The Jon-Jon Deragon hot dog is named for a bartender at an establishment WITHIN their restaurant named, PDT, or-
The Jon-Jon Deragon is named for a bartender who worked at an establishment WITHIN their restaurant, named PDT, or –
Alright, what the heck is this about. Let me just check these event logs…”command line violation”? Why the heck…oh, I see. Hey guys, it’s Caption Jon here. Sorry, the new bot is a little tightly coded. The bar is hidden inside the restaurant, and named PDT, or “Please Don’t Tell”. So the bot realized it was about to reveal a name that literally told it NOT to reveal it, and therefore errored out. I’ll do a bypass here… and we should be fine.
The interesting fact about the hot dog’s name is that it is incorrect: the bartender is named John Deragon, with an H, and no repetition. However, the menu is clear that the hot dog is named the “Jon-Jon”. Perhaps an informal designation. Also, Title Jon used the name "Wylie" in the title because the Bar Menu of hot dogs are mostly named after various New York chefs, such as David Chang and Wylie Dufresne.
If you have created or acquired everything bagel seasoning, the Recipe for the Jon-Jon Deragon is quite simple: deep-fry a hot dog.
Yeah, I bet the big baby handled that well, since he's also about to piss his pants whenever he needs to fry something.
While the hot dog is frying, you thinly slice some scallions, and schmear a tablespoon or two of cream cheese along the bun. Top with “enough seasoning to fully encrust” the cream cheese. Place the cooked hot dog in the bun, and top with the scallions.
Credit where credit's due: it's a pretty little doggie.
Jon declared this hot dog “perhaps the best hot dog I’ve ever had”, a position previously held by “a Munchy’z dog with grilled onions, and jalapeño cream cheese”, as he discussed in a previous post about his sexual inadequacies and childhood chicken noodle soup. His family was less enamored of the dish, and even Jon noted that, if you give the meat more time to cool, it’s substantially less enjoyable.
This was his first use of the near whole Cup of Everything Bagel Seasoning he made. It would take him over 2 months to use the rest of it. And it was used under…inopportune circumstances. Let us discuss them, and conclude.
Finger Lickin’ Good
The second recipe is the more visually stunning of the two, I am told, because of something called the “alienation effect”: you are more stunned to see something you believe to understand presented in a way you do not, than seeing something completely new. However, I have circumvented our narrative.
This dish was served on May 7th, 2018. As you may be aware from previous posts, that means it was served 3 days after the passing of Jon’s father. Specifically, it was served at the last unified gathering of the O’Guin family. While Jon’s father was ill, his sister…I’m sorry, that phrasing is imprecise. Jon’s father’s sister, and his brother-in-law would come up to visit. It happened that they were scheduled to visit the weekend that Jon’s father passed. Jon had to personally call them as they sat in a lay-over, on their way to see a man who was already gone. Jon informs me that this would be considered “tragic” by most people.
However, Jon notes, ‘life goes on’. He was afraid that his bagel seasoning was going to go bad soon, as he had completely ignored most of the storage instructions for it, and the recipe gave no indication for how long the mixture would retain potency. As such, he Googled “uses for everything bagel seasoning,” and found the following recipe: Everything Chicken Tenders.
Please hold your shocked gasps until the end of the presentation.
The recipe is of some duration, but is, as every recipe today has been, very simple. Chicken Tenders are soaked overnight in buttermilk, then shaken dry and dredged in everything bagel seasoning, before being baked for 20 minutes. Jon followed the steps, and presented them to the family at large with honey mustard dipping sauce.
This recipe suffered the most from the error made 804 words ago: the finer grain salt adding more than the desired amount of…salt. As such, the chicken tenders, while certainly well cooked, were quite salty. Luckily, the recipe used the entirety of the remaining seasoning mix, so Jon is now able to make another batch with the CORRECT salt size.
Jon stated that the best way to end one of the posts is, to the best of one’s ability, to explain the lesson learned from the process. The feelings created and explored, the histories reflection in the present. He did not tell me expressly what the lesson was. Therefore, I must compute it on my own. Please allow one second for processing.
In the interim, enjoy this mildly less off-putting picture of the tenders
I propose the lesson implicit in this post is the opposite of the aforementioned ‘alienation effect’, which I will tentatively dub the ‘invitation effect’. Every recipe presented in this post is both simple to execute, and utilizes widely enjoyed food-stuffs: Everything bagels, Hot Dogs, Chicken Tenders. These recipes are relatively undemanding alterations to simple meals most people make frequently, and therefore could be easily replicated in most homes, allowing for controlled environments for culinary experimentation. They are transparent, and therefore accessible. Lesson concluded.
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THURSDAY: JON HAS NOT REVEALED TO ME THE CONTENT OF THIS POST, BEYOND HIS VAGUE PROMISES LAST WEEK. HIS RESPONSE WHEN QUERIED WAS “I’LL HANDLE IT, BOLT-BRAIN.”
NEXT MONDAY: JON WILL MAKE A DISH OF DISTURBING MEATINESS AND STARCH CONTENT. BEAN CASSEROLE, RHOADS-STYLE
Everything Bagel Seasoning
Makes ¾ cup
¼ cup sesame seeds
¼ cup dehydrated (also called “dried”) onion
2 Tbsp coarse kosher salt
2 tbsp poppy seeds
1. Take a heavy bottomed skillet, and combine all the ingredients in it. Place over medium heat, and stir the ingredients frequently for 7-10 minutes, until onion and sesame are golden.
2. Store in an airtight container, preferably away from light, for up to 3 months.
Makes 8 hot dogs.
1 quart of vegetable oil
8 skinless hot dogs
8 oz softened cream cheese
4 scallions, thinly sliced
Roughly ¼ cup of Everything Bagel Seasoning.
1. Fill a pot at least 2” deep with the oil, and heat to 375 degrees over medium-high heat. Fry your hot dogs (preferably only 2 at a time to reduce oil cooling) for 5-7 minutes, until browned all over and slightly blackened. Remove to a paper towel-lined plate, and let cool for roughly 1 minute.
2. Take a bun, add 1 tbsp of cream cheese, then sprinkle enough EBS to cover the cream cheese. Add the hot dog, and top with a pinch of scallion. Eat warm.
Everything Chicken Tenders
Serves 8 as a snack, 4 as a light meal.
2 lbs Chicken tenderloins
1 pint Buttermilk
6 oz of Everything Bagel Seasoning.
1. Trim the chicken tenderloins if desired, and soak them overnight in the buttermilk, in a fridge.
2. Preheat your oven to 425 degrees F. While heating, spread the Seasoning over the bottom of a shallow dish, and line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
3. Remove the chicken from the fridge, and using your hands, remove the excess buttermilk from each tenderloin, before tossing it in the seasoning, patting the exterior to coat. Place the coated tenderloin on the parchment paper, and repeat until all chicken has been coated.
4. Bake at 425 for 20 minutes, let cool 3-4 minutes before serving.