Why hello there! And welcome back to Kitchen Catastrophe, where our host made a post nearly a month ago, left town for a trip to Texas, and then immediately caught COVID! Huzzah! And let us tell you, there was some sharp concerns about that, since 2 or 3 days into the sickness, he definitely lost his sense of smell for a couple days, before it came trudging back. We were VERY ‘excited’ to figure out how to continue a cooking blog with someone who couldn’t taste things correctly. But that danger has passed, and Jon is up and about to share with you a dish he made MONTHS ago. If you want to skip all the deets and get straight to the eats (his rhyming ability may never fully recover), here’s a link. For everyone else, let’s dig in.

A Mess of a Time

I’m going to toss around a little bit of travel-ogue stuff here, just because…well, to be frank, I’m not fully back to my old self, in a complicated way. You may remember that I mentioned with our Juneteenth post that I’d been struggling with a potential case of “burn-out”. Well, one of the things complicating that was/is that, back in May, unbeknownst to me*, my therapist left the service I was using, so I went from having talks every 2-3 weeks about my mental health to suddenly not having any discussion of it for 2-3 months. (* - I want to note that part of the struggle I’ve been having has been with memory loss, and I vaguely recollect something about there being a upcoming transfer, so it’s more “I thought I had at least one more session, and wish that ‘The system I engage with entirely through the telephone’ had, you know, CALLED ME about the transfer, instead of sending me a letter I didn’t get for 2 weeks because I was out of town.” )

Why don’t you send me a TELEGRAPH next time?

Making matters worse, I misread the letter, and thought I was waiting for them to contact me about a new provider, but instead, I have to contact them, so I’ve been dicking around for 3 weeks wasting time. But I have some energy and desire to get posts out the door once more, so I wanted to forge on with what I had, and that’s…not a ton. We’ll talk more when we get to the cooking and stuff, but there’s just not a lot for me to unpack with this one: it’s a newer recipe, not a lot of history or complicated cooking techniques, so I gotta fill a bit of space with SOMETHING, or I’ll feel like I’m cheating you all.

So, what have I been up to, culinarily? A lot, as it turns out! While I was in Austin, I made time to specifically go to the famous Franklin Barbecue…long after it closed, because I was NOT going to stand in line for a couple hours in 100+ degree heat.

Here I am, trying to blend into Texas.

I followed up a somewhat interesting culinary rabbit hole my family had gone down: I hadn’t mentioned it, due to the pitifully tragic result, but back in February, my family became interested in a Cincinnati company’s Ice Cream, after a native of the region my brother worked with heard I had made their Chili for the Super Bowl, and, when asked if there were any other prominent Cincinnati foods we should try, told us without hesitation that we should try Graeter’s ice cream. We discovered that, against all reason, it is occasionally stocked at a QFC in Belfair, a town about 20 minutes “into the woods” from our home town, en route to several great state parks and the Hood Canal, but out of the way of anywhere you’re likely to meet many people. Unfortunately, when my mother checked in February, they were out, so we had to order a pack online from Graeter’s themselves…and then our aging freezer lost its seal, thawing the six-pack of pints one evening before we could try any of them. However, my mother insisted that, at some juncture, I should go and see the QFC itself, as it was “bizarre” in her words. And recently, I had a dental appointment not simply in Belfair, but literally in the same parking lot, so I did check it out. (and picked up the sole pint of Graeter’s they had on the shelf, so one day we can try it.) And I can see my mother’s confusion. I mentioned a few weeks (months?) ago about the ‘vibe’ of Port Orchard food: generically “white Americana”, with a smattering of Italian, a variety of Asian (particularly East and Southeast Asian: Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Thai), and Mexican-American cuisine. HERE, there seemed to be either a surprising number of adventurous eaters, or much more distinct ethnic demographics: there was half an entire freezer section dedicated to soups from a single Jewish company from New Jersey.

I first assumed this was a Russian company, due to the association with Blintzes.

There was a section of frozen dinners color-coded to dietary restrictions (purple was dairy and gluten-free, green was vegan, red was the Mediterranean diet, etc), there was a very small selection of marinades for “Mediterranean” (read: Middle Eastern) dishes like Shawarma and Shish Tawook (skewered chicken). It was an impressively diverse and intricate array of foods from a town positioned on the edge of the great forests of the Olympic peninsula. Hell, they had “Twix Shakers”, to add Twix flavor to stuff.

Small nitpick, but I think this is techncally a “Sweetening Blend” not “seasoning”. And yes, I 100% bought it.

It was a surprisingly mix of things that I didn’t fully understand how they could fit together in that quiet little town. Which is a GREAT lead-in (haha, idiots, you presumably once-again fell for my “Let me talk about something random because I don’t have anything…Surprise, it turned out to be connected to the main point” trick. Which is definitely not actually my “Let me keep talking about random crap until I find a usable metaphor” trick!

Pictured: Jon’s Brain, 400 words into every post, hoping a theme comes into focus.

But, yeah, let’s talk about the Kimchi Ranch Chicken

What’s In a Name

So, first things first, I’m calling this Kimchi Ranch chicken, which is something of a misnomer. But I have to work with letter counts in the post titles, so I’m constanly trying to condense. Technically, this dish is named “Hot ‘n’ Crispy Chicken Cutlets with Kimchi Ranch”. But Molly Baz had a whole cookbook to filly, and I’ve just got a couple pages. And yes, this IS another of the “Jon cooked like, Seven Things from the same Cookbook” spree of months ago, back during my second-to-last mental breakdown. There are still TWO recipes from that that need to be written up. Anyway, the basic set-up for the dish is pretty simple and straight-forward as the note introducing the recipe explains: Molly’s husband is something of a spicy chicken fiend, constantly hungering for Buffalo wings. This recipe is Molly’s attempt to take that impulse to somewhere a little more upscale: chicken breast brined in cayenne, kimchi brine, and yogurt (a sort of spicy Asian riff on traditional buttermilk brining), breaded, fried, and served on a bed of kimchi ranch with some extra kimchi.

In this regard, the recipe is actually quite simple, and can be condensed into 4 major steps: make a marinade and put the chicken in it, make kimchi ranch, bread and fry the chick, assemble and serve. It even streamlines one of my least favorite elements of frying, the pane/dredge system (the classic “toss food in flour, then egg, then breading” pattern), as the yogurt-y marinade has circumvented the first two steps, once given time to season the chicken. So let’s start with the marinade and my hatred of the rich and powerful.

By which I mean that one of the most frustrating ingredients I have been invited to work with over the last few years is labneh, a strained-yogurt cheese that has been ALL THE RAGE in the various cookbooks I’ve been getting from city-based based chefs, but one that I have not seen at any grocery store in my region…are you fucking kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I understand this picture may be hard to see, but I assure you, Main Text Jon makes it clear what this picture means in literal seconds.

THE QFC IN BELFAIR HAS IT?! Is this store magical? Are they just cribbing notes from my DREAMS? What the hell is happening in that town? I am…almost dizzy from this. I gotta calm down…okay, jeez. Set that revelation aside. Labneh is a strained yogurt-cheese, typically a little drier than “Greek Yogurt”, both of which are strained from ‘normal’ yogurts to increase their protein levels. There’s a bunch of semi-complicated stuff about how technically strained cow’s milk Greek yogurt is closer to a traditional Labneh, while traditional “Greek yogurt” is from goat or sheep’s milk, but for now, and in America, the general rule is “labneh is like the mid-point between greek yogurt and cream cheese, and if you can’t find it, full-fat Greek Yogurt is fine.” For this recipe, you’re going to mix it with spicy kimchi brine, cayenne pepper, and onion powder.

Behold, MY GOO.

This is going to form the marinade/under-breading coating for the chicken, building a layer of flavor and spice into every piece. Just get some nice chicken cutlets, either bought from the store or by cutting chicken breasts in half, hit them with some salt, and plop them into the marinade, working them around to ensure they’re coated. Then you can marinate them for up to 8 hours in the fridge, or anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour or two at room temp (you’ll want to cover them to be safe, but the acids in the yogurt and kimchi brine will help keep the marinade from going bad for a while.)

While that’s marinating, at some juncture you’ll want to make the Kimchi Ranch, which is exactly what it says on the tin: ranch dressing, but fortified with Kimchi instead of the normal dried herbs. So whip together a base of mayo, yogurt/labneh, and onion powder, then add some lemon zest, a grated clove of garlic, and some thinly sliced chives. Add in finely chopped kimchi, and boom, kimchi ranch.

The last two pictures are a study in subtle contrasts. “how different is a yogurt-based kimchi ranch, versus a kimchi-and-yogurt marinade?”

You’ll want it to be easily spreadable, so if It’s a little thick, thin it with some water, and season it to taste with salt. And that’s the set-up done. This is a great dish to make ahead on say, a weekend afternoon, because you can do these steps in the morning or right after lunch, and then go handle other things until you need to bring together dinner in around 20 minutes.

Then, when it’s time to bring everything together, you’re going to get a couple cups of oil up to 400 degrees, and roll your yogurt-drenched chicken in panko to coat. Then drop them in the oil and fry for 3-5 minutes a side. While they’re frying plop the kimchi ranch down on some plates for service, and roughly cut up another 1 ¼ cup kimchi, and some more chives, to sprinkle over the top of the chicken when it’s done.

Full honesty: I did not cut my breasts into cutlets.

When they’re done frying, season the chicken with salt, let drain for a couple seconds, and then slice the fried chicken cutlets across the grain (not like, “entire cutlet-length strips”, you psychopath), plop onto the prepared ranch patches, and top with kimchi and chives,

We used cucumber kimchi for the topping, totally for the visuals, and not because we used the last of our cabbage kimchi for the ranch.

The result was, in my opinion, very enjoyable, but It’s sort of a rigged game in that respect: I like spicy kimchi, I like ranch, I like breaded chicken breast. It would be impressive if this recipe DIDN’T make me happy. What I do really want to highlight though, and it’s kind of the reason I changed the name of the dish, is how easy making the Kimchi Ranch was. I think it makes a great sauce for more than just this chicken, AND I think it helps you start to think about ways to riff on a sauce like ranch dressing, and maybe make it into your own thing. So I definitely recommend trying out this dish, or, if chicken’s not your thing, at least the ranch.

NEXT WEEK: IT DEPENDS ON IF I GET A COOKBOOK THIS WEEKEND, BUT EITHER A BREAKFAST SANDWICH THAT NEARLY SMOKED ME OUT, OR A PUNCHY PASTA DISH THAT DOES SOME WEIRD STUFF.

Here's the

Recipe

Kimchi Ranch Chicken

Makes 4 cutlets

Marinade

¼ cup labneh or whole-milk Greek Yogurt

3 tbsp kimchi brine

1 tbsp onion powder

1 ¼ tsp cayenne

Chicken

2 boneless skinless chicken breasts, or 4 chicken cutlets

2 tsps salt + more for after frying

2 cups panko

2-3 cups of oil (for frying)

1 ¼ cup kimchi

½ bunch of chives

Kimchi Ranch

½ cup mayonnaise

2 teaspoons onion powder

½ cup labneh or whole milk Greek Yogurt (3/4 cup total for whole recipe)

1 garlic clove

1 lemon

¾ cup kimchi, finely chopped (2 cups total for whole recipe)

½ bunch of chives (1 bunch total), cut into 1 ½” matchsticks.

Preparation

Combine all Marinade ingredients in a large bowl. Add chicken cutlets, or cut chicken breasts in half to have 4 equal portions, seasons with pre-measured salt, and then add to bowl. Toss to coat, and marinate for at least 15 minutes at room temp (or up to 2 hours) or up to 8 hours in the refrigerator.
While chicken is marinating, make kimchi ranch: whisk together mayo, onion powder, and yogurt. Grate garlic clove into mixture, and zest half of the lemon in as well. Finely slice the chives, add to the mixture with the kimchi, and stir to combine. Cut the lemon into wedges, and set aside.
When chicken is almost done marinating, preheat the oil to 400 degrees in a large cooking vessel. Oil should be at least 1” (2.5cm) deep. Place the panko into a bowl, and, working one at a time, take a piece of chicken from the marinade bowl, and toss in the breadcrumbs, pressing panko on until chicken is very well sealed.
Fry breaded chicken in the oil in 2 batches, cooking for 3-5 minutes per side, and moving to a paper-towel lined plate. Salt while still hot, and slice into ½” thick pieces.
For service, spread 2-3 tbsp of ranch on each plate, and place a sliced cutlet on top of the ranch. Top with kimchi and match-stick chives, and serve with lemon wedge.