Welcome to Kitchen Catastrophes. Your usual host is out this week being very hungover after his birthday celebration. I, JJ Hernandez, alcohol editor and frequently bullied crybaby will guide you through today's catastrophe. (And I, Sober Jon, will be editing today) So, ladies and gentlemen, gird your loins for and steel your livers for today's topic:
Yes that's right, you see Jon and I are back in Leavenworth, a small Bavarian themed town known for its Christmas tree lighting festival and, you guessed it, Oktoberfest. Leavenworth has been running this shindig for eighteen years so it can't drink yet but it can wait outside until you come out for smoke.
A strong history of strong alcohol
Once upon a time, there was a wedding. The couple was so devoted to each other that they kept celebrating for over two hundred years. Well, that's not entirely how it happened, I'm sorry, I lied. It was a wedding, a kings wedding, and he invited the peasants! He then cheated on his wife their whole marriage, most notably with an Irish actress. He loved banging his mistress so much he quit being king so he'd have more time to bang her. Little did he know that two hundred years later Jon, Joe and I, along with 500 strangers, would celebrate his pyrrhic commitment.
A salubrious celebration.
Readers, I have enjoyed my time with you all, but now I must leave you. During the Oktoberfest, I, in my infinite wisdom, dictated our experience into my phone. Therefore, the rest of this post will be brought to you by Drunk JJ. Just don't make any sudden movements and he probably won't hump your leg.
Editor's note: Also contributing, Drunk Jon and Drunk Joe. Due to the limits of dictation, all punctuation are our best efforts in editing. IN fact, roughly 20% of the WORDS are us just staring at what the computer heard, and guessing what we said.
8:12 PM - It's pregame time. I am drinking gin, Joe and Jon are drinking peach brandy. We are watching Luke Cage. It’s very good. We might not go to Oktoberfest.
8:14 - Jon is now insisting we go. I am irritated.
8:25 - We are approaching the event. There are many drunk people in town. The closer we get to the venue, the louder and more crowded things get. I feel regret.
8:38 - There are drunk people everywhere. I aim to join them, but first, a word picture. There are two enormous tents with live bands set in the corners of a parking lot, and a large fest hall with its very own polka band. Down a hill is a pit with many Porta-potties. This is the most Porta-potties I’ve ever seen in one place. There’s also a third party tent and a little bazaar with peddlers selling everything from silly hats and ponchos to specialty jerky and scented candles. There are lederhosen and dirndls everywhere.
8:43 - We have our beer. Mines delicious. Jon and Joe got the same one because they are idiots.
8:51 - We bought some jerky, it’s good ghost pepper jerky I should have took the picture.
Eventually we got around to it.
Anyway my first beer is tasty, Jon’s was a little Bland for my taste, and Joe got the same one as I speak so (Jon Interrupts, ignore him) Really, you had my beer after you had ghost pepper so that's what-
9:10 - I've made many friends, the beers are delicious- Joe has something to say
The Oktoberfest Hofbrau has a hint of pine wood, delicious aftertaste of pineapples-
He has a gross misunderstanding of what this is. All right, pass to the left. (Jon passes the wrong way) This is counterclockwise. Remember, when tasting beers with your friends, pass clockwise. This is The Law of Oktoberfest.
Right, friends? Wait...You're not Jon and Joe...
9:22 - Middle of second beer. I've been separated from the party; I'm lost and alone, surrounded by people in very strange outfits, women in skimpy clothes… this probably won't end well. I have no choice but to keep wandering aimlessly until I find my party. This is ironic because we were all searching together for a group of other people that we were trying to meet. Obviously this was funny. I'll check back in 10 minutes
9:24 – Alright, I still haven't found my group. It's been…I don't know how long. I got conscripted into a sing-along. Was a lot of fun, but I think the band was a re-purposed mariachi band. Which is fine, I mean, no disrespect- everyone's got to play some Poker Face. …I think they might have gotten turkey legs without me. I'll be angry.
Turned out they hadn't. There was much rejoicing
9:44 -Re-engage with the group. We ate some turkey legs, they were quite good. A little filling- I'm sorry, I got distracted to Berry's kids look like they just walked by.
(Picture of “Berry’s Kids” unavailable. Also, we don't know a "Berry".)
But anyway, the turkey legs were excellent, and Joe and I have left. Please abandon him [Jon] because we have to go pee. I'll recheck it and after we finished with…
9:48 - After leaving, we realized that Jon has all the tickets. So our objective is to find him so that we may acquire more beer. Also, I'm under the impression that maybe we don't have enough tickets for more beer.
10:04 – Alright, we just went to get beer number 3, who were- right up here they said the trailer was closed. This Oktoberfest is open officially until 2 a.m. This is an outrage!
10:10 - We’ve returned to the tent where I found the mariachi band. They’re no longer playing polka music but K-pop. That's right, they’re totally playing Gangnam Style. I'm into it, as are most of the people at the festival because this tent is now infinitely more crowded than it was when I was here alone.
He means it when he says he was alone.
God save us all
10: 30 - RuPaul the middle of beer 3 something has gone wrong in Jon’s pants- I don't understand, I didn't ask-
(The trio attempts to make the dictation software add quotation marks.)
Something has gone wrong unquote in Jon heads- No-
(They give up)
Joe has something to say:
Okay this is a trick or joke or whatever it writes on JJ's stupid phone. I just wanted to say that we're all having a lovely evening, despite the large amount of money we've all spent. It has been an experience of camaraderie, and JJ is not giving it its rightful spin at this point. Let's all go to the Scentsy and – (JJ Complains) JJsaid that he does not like Aromas, which I find very suspect. I would enjoy a little bit of aromatherapy. Thank you very much, I hope that my quotes are done in Comic Sans, goodbye.
Editor's note: Learning how to change font families on this took me 20 minutes, so I hope he loves his goddamn Comic Sans.
Editor's POST NOTE (5-2-17): And it took me like, 2 solid MONTHS to figure out how to pull this shit off once we switched sites. SO I REALLY HOPE HE LIKES IT.
Hopefully as much as he enjoyed being in the Pretzel picture.
11:08 – Beer# 4. We all agree that Joe had the best 4th beer. Nice and sweet; I would say I had the second best, but they were very close so it wasn't much of a difference between them.
11:38 – (To Jon) Are you all right? (Immediately forgets question.) So, our Oktoberfest is over now. We've realized that we spent way too much money, we're very unhappy. I say “unhappy”, but we're so drunk that I'm pretty okay with it overall. In the moment. Tomorrow morning we're going to work. We got some turkey legs, so we got some camaraderie- I'm holding some python jerky- I'm drunk- excuse me, I just burped. I will tell you that no one- no- NO- …I just tripped on some sidewalk, hurt my back. I'm old. Look, Oktoberfest story: I will murder you if you're-
Joe here, or whatever JJ's stupid phone calls me after a long night of drinking. It's important to come home to friends who can tell you when you cross the line. We all live in a bubble of sobriety, which, when popped, can only tell you who you truly are on the inside. And most of us are raging assholes who, who- don't like the Daredevil series or… because we are monsters and I'm sorry. JJ. All of them. Jon wants to say something- this is JJ's post but Jon wants to say something. I'll be back in a second, I love you so much with your job- (Jon grabs phone) Nooo-
12:31 - I think this- hello? This is Jon O'Guin- (Jon stares at screen) I f***** up. It's fine. Good. Censored the swear words, that's hilarious. I think it's important in this dark time- it's important to remember what unifies us as a people. And so, I'd like to remember the wise words of Nelly: we're going down down baby your street in a Range Rover street sweeper baby cock ready to let it go Shimmy Shimmy Cocoa what pass it to me now light it up and take a puff (Jon forgets this line) we're going down you can find me in st. Louis rolling on dubs-
(He realizes he missed a line, and stops abruptly.)
12:32 -Joe back, I know you missed me so much. Wait, is this actually writing? I'm not sure. I don't think I actually got a second paragraph. Unlike what is flavoring (?) next week or next day, I'm not sure how this website actually works. There will be a weeaboo post by me that you would enjoy much more than John Jr Hernandez- Post his full name- which I only learned today by filling him full of alcohol. (Following comments redacted for inappropriate content)
Ho ho ho, ooooh dear. That certainly happened. Sober JJ is back to wrap things up. Shortly after Joe's last post, he poured beer on me… While I was in my bed. After this, I blacked out. (We did not stop drinking).
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Next time on Kitchen Catastrophes: I actually have no idea. I try not to talk to Jon. He's insane.
(He’s not wrong.)