Kitchen Catastrophe

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CULINARY COMPENDIUM INTERNATIONAL EDITION #1 – BRITAIN.

Jonathan O'Guin

Why hello there, and welcome back to Kitchen Catastrophe, where one man, mad with marmalade and margarine, mars merry munching with malign matters. I’m your Maestro of Misery, Jon O’Guin, and I don’t know why I committed that hard to the alliteration there. Oh well. Today’s topic, the Culinary Compendium of Cooking Cant goes abroad for probably the first time! I’d know for sure if I looked back in the archive, but as my taxi driver explained when I asked why he didn’t have a rear-view mirror on his car: “I have no time for the past, now”.

Was it a terrifying sentence? Yes. Did I somehow arrive at my destination 5 minutes BEFORE I left? Also yes.

Illegal and potentially magical vehicle modifications aside, we’re going to be covering a topic tied to this Monday’s post, and not AT ALL inspired by a random Youtube video I was watching an hour ago because I forgot it’s Wednesday and I have a post tomorrow. Is that claim true? NO TIME FOR THE PAST, NOW. SO LET’S DIVE ON IN TO BRITISH FOOD TERMS.

(Note that all terms presented here are terms that Jon HAS heard or read British cooks using, but that this does not necessarily mean the terms are universal. AKA: Don’t @ me Brits, if the terms don’t…fits. Didn’t need to rhyme that. Being a little more linguistically agile than usual today. (Pity my girlfriend’s not here to benefit, eh? Though that’d actually be “lingually” agile. And I don’t have a girlfriend. Probably because of all the rhyming and alliteration. Women have long been trained to not trust bearded men speaking in rhymes in case they kidnap them and force them spin straw into Gold, or some dumb shit.)

AUBERGINE

  1. (n) Like that stuff whales vomit, right?

  2. (n) No. That’s “ambergris”. Aubergine are Eggplants. Why the difference? Well, Eggplant is just people saying what they look like (White Eggplants are small and oval, and straight up DO look like eggs), while aubergine is…man, it has a LONG history. IT’s Engliss copying French, who are copying Arabic, who are copying Persian, who is copying Indic, who is copying Dravidian. And it originally means “those (destroying) wind disorder”…or, phrased in modern English “that which prevents farting”. Yes. The NAME FOR EGGPLANTS in like, 7 languages is “anti-farts”

I was going to do an Antifa joke here, but there’s surprising little vegetable-based antifa art. So instead, check out these pale eggy bois.

BISCUIT

  1. (n) a cookie, or other firmer baked flour-based food.

  2. Why the Difference? “Biscuit” literally means “twice-cooked”, and referred to baked goods that were baked a second time to dry them out for longer storage. (this is where Italian Biscotti got its name) Supposedly, what happened is, in America, the intermingling Dutch, English, and other groups got frustrated with confusion between terms, including the Dutch term “cookie” (well, koekje) and beschuit the English biscuit, and a regional version of the word “biscuit” from other parts of the UK that referred to a softer quick-bread product. The last one ended up being the one that caught on in America.

CASTER SUGAR

  1. (n) What wizards use in their coffee and tea.

  2. (n) also known as “superfine” sugar, caster sugar is a type of granulated sugar that has been ground EVEN FINER, though not quite as fine as powdered sugar. In Britain, the distinction is, essentially, that granulated sugar is typically used for drinks, caster sugar is used for baking and candy-making (because the finer grain allows it to dissolve easier), and powdered sugar is used for icing. In America, we tend to just use granulated for drinks, baking, and candy-making. Weirdly, caster sugar is also very good for making drinks, since it dissolves easily. (though the finer grain also means you’ll end up with sweeter drinks if you keep using the same amount)

 

CHIPS

  1. (n) fries. Specifically, a proper British ‘chip’ is closer to what an American would call a “steak fry”, rather than, say, what you would receive at a typical American fast-food restaurant.

  2. Why the Difference: The history here is a little wobbly, and it appears to be mostly based on weird overlap. See, Potato Chips were first published in an 1817 English cookbook as “Potatoes fried in slices or shavings”, while French Fries were first served in America in 1805 as “Potatoes, Fried in the French Style”. So it might have been that the English continued the wood-working parallel, and shifted to “Chips of potato, fried”, while Americans continued to call them “French-Fried potato”. This will NOT get simpler later.

COURGETTE

  1. (n) Zucchini. I’ve actually explained where Zucchini got its name before, so let’s touch on the English version: it’s stolen from French, because most British food words (and foods, when you get down to it) are. It means “little courge”, with courge being French for “gourd” or “marrow” (which ALSO means something different in America and Britain, of course). So Britain copied France’s way of saying “little squash”, and America copied Italy’s

  2. (n) A female Courgi.

Lovely hue on the Cougettes growing in the garden this year.

CRISPS

  1. (n) (Potato) Chips. AKA thin slices of potato fried to crispy, crunchy texture

  2. Why the Difference 2, Chip and Dale: So Fries became Fries in America, and Chips in England. Then, shortly after, you start getting potato “chips”. Now, my guess here is that England starts calling them ‘crisps’ because you CAN actually get like, soft fried potatoes as an option for Cottage/Home Fries, so specifying “fried potatoes - crisp” which over time became “potato crisps”. Meanwhile, America started hearing about these English fried ‘chips’, and, consulting the recently shipped over cookbooks, made what England was now calling “crisps”.

JELLY

  1. (n) Jell-o. Kind of. Specifically, while American English uses “Jelly” to predominantly refer to smooth fruit spreads (a more processed form of Jam), British English uses it to refer to Jell-o…AND a couple smooth spreads typically made with fruit. Specifically, the British “jellies” that would be most recognizable to Americans are Redcurrant Jelly, Cranberry Jelly, Mint Jelly, Sweet Chili Jelly, and Bramble Jelly. “bramble” being the MOST recognizable, because it’s just Wild Blackberry jelly (British wild blackberries have more seeds than American varieties, so it’s not great as a jam.) So if you offered “jelly” to a British person, they’re more likely to think of a jell-o-like product…but they wouldn’t be TOO surprised when they got a fruit spread.

Jelly Beans, on the other hand, meet NEITHER side’s definition of Jelly, and are their own pit of madness.


LEMONADE

  1. (n) A typically CARBONATED, expected to be CLEAR, lemon or lemon-lime flavored beverage. Essentially a more lemon-forward version of a Sprite or 7-Up. This is just a differing branch in drink development: since carbonated water was first commercially pioneered in Europe, what America calls “lemonade” (also known as “cloudy lemonade”, “still lemonade”, or “traditional lemonade”) got mixed with carbonated water earlier, and the carbonated drink absorbed the –ade suffix: you can actually see this in the broader language: In England, Limeade and Orangeade are expected to be carbonated, like Lemonade, while in America, the suffix just implies “fruit-flavored” and can be carbonated or still.

MOREISH

  1. (n) roughly equivalent to the American designation of “addictive”, “moreish” refers to a food that drives you to continue eating it once started: that “I just need one more bite/handful” feeling after a handful of popcorn, chips/crisps, etc.

  2. (n) Of or resembling people from Morocco.

ROCKET

  1. (n) a spicy salad green known in America as arugula.

  2. Why the difference: This one actually makes the most sense, broken down. The original Latin name for the plant was eruca, which was processed into Italian three ways: standard Italian calls the plant rucola. However, one dialect called it ruchetta, which, when introduced to England, became “Rocket” (because for some reason, in Italian, “c” makes a “ch” sound, and “ch” makes a “c/k” sound. So that’s ‘roo-ket-ta”), and another dialect called it erucola, (eh-ROO-cho-lah) which America turned into arugula (probably because ‘ch’ sounds in the middle of words is relatively uncommon in English, so they turn “chuh” into “guh”.) 

This does technically mean there is a non-zero chance that Elton John’s “Rocketman” refers to a man powered by spicy lettuce.


SCONE

  1. (n) a biscuit, though typically sweeter than American biscuits.

  2. Why The Difference: Remember the discussion about Biscuits? Well, at the SAME TIME, a Scottish/Dutch version of bread was catching on. The etymology is unclear, but there’s a couple connections: schõne and schoonbrood were, respectively, Middle Low German and Middle Dutch for “a fine (typically white) bread”, Scots Gaelic had sgonne, meaning “a large mouthful”, and Scone (pronounced “skoon”) was the former seat of Scottish royalty. So it’s possible that fine white bread-based biscuits became “Scone Bread/Biscuits” through all of these influences, and that which half got dropped off decided the difference between American Biscuits and English Scones.

SHERBET

  1.  (n) (American English) a type of frozen dessert distinct from Sorbet, TYPICALLY distinguished by a smoother consistency, achieved through additional ingredients such as gelatin, egg white, or dairy. Pronounced by everyone I know as “sher-bert”, though this is technically incorrect.

  2. (n) (British English) a sweet and FIZZY powder, used in drinks and candies, or eaten on its own.

  3. Why the difference: Basically the same as the “rocket/arugula” AND the “lemonade” things combined: sherbet/sorbets were introduced to the west via Italy (sorbetto), from Arabic (sharbah/sharbat), where the original dish was something akin to a fruit slushie. To quote Escoffier: “sorbet is a very light and barely-congealed ice…recommended to be of drinkable consistency” However, before refrigeration and ice making were industrialized and made broadly available, they first got to England as drink-mix-powders, consisting of sugar, flowers, and dried fruit. Thus, England has clung to “sherbet” as the powder, and “sorbet” as the frozen dessert, while America forgot the powder.

Here’s some Sherbet, the frozen fruit product, dissolving into a carbonated drink, technically making it the OTHER sherbet. Sherbet. It sounds stupid. I much prefer sherbert.

SWEDE

  1. (n) one from Sweden.

  2. (n) a rutabaga.

  3. Why the Difference: This one is actually super easy to explain: rutabagas are a cultivar of Turnips first discovered in Sweden. The American word is essentially an attempt to say the Swedish word (rotabagge), while England just called them “Swedish Turnips”, and eventually “Swedes”.

TREACLE

  1. (n) Molasses. Interestingly, the most commonly sold form of Treacle/molasses, “Golden Syrup”, is NOT broadly sold in America. The reason for this is market conditions and history.

    So, in the 1800’s, people were refining the SHIT out of sugar, as we’ve discussed before. And one of the things they discovered is that the bitter-sweet goop they were extracting while making the sugar, which they were currently selling off as pig food) could be refined into something that PEOPLE would eat. This product was called “Treacle” in England meaning “a healing tincture/potion”, and melaço in Portuguese (the other sugar-refining power of the era), meaning “Steel-Honey”. America copied the Portuguese word, probably because trade was a little less charged between the nations at the time (recall that America had only revolted against England some 70 years before, and THEN had a war with British colony Canada in 1812.) creating “molasses”.  England THEN discovered some 40 year later that they could change the way they refined to sugar/molasses so that the treacle became a substance that had the color, viscosity, and sweetness of honey, which they started calling “golden syrup”.

    Meanwhile, at roughly the same time, America was settling the Great Plains, so they were getting HUGE wheat and corn crops (to the point where their wheat production DESTABLIIZED several European nations, as we’ve ALSO talked about before)…and people had already discovered how to refine a thick sweetener from corn, called, brilliantly “Corn Syrup”. So America didn’t NEED to process molasses further to get a gentler sweetener, they HAD one. Thus, Golden Syrup became a common cooking ingredient, forming the basis of dishes like Treacle Tarts, while America used Corn Syrup to make things like Pecan Pie.

Like, the main reason you know this is a treacle tart is that it’s way too small to be a pie.


As one, final detail about Treacle: “Treacly” is an adjective in British English meaning “having the consistency, taste, or appearance of treacle”, AND referring to “excessively sentimental” stories or media, making it a…cognate to American “schmaltzy”…or “corny”. Like, Hallmark movies are “corny” in America, but they’d be “treacly” in The UK. Because both cultures needed a phrase for “cloyingly sweet and emotional”, and went ‘hey, what’s that super-sweet goo we use in our holiday baking? We’ll use that.” (It’s actually more complicated than that, and schmaltz is a salty rendered fat, not sweet,  so it doesn’t fit the pattern, BUT IT’S A NICE SENTIMENT, AND WE’RE WRAPPING UP. (Alright, REALLY QUICK: “corny” supposedly actually arose from an old tradition of corn seed catalogues including (bad) jokes. Like “the kind of jokes you would now find on Popsicle sticks or laffy-taffy wrappers.” Like “why are elephants so wrinkly?” “Because they’re really hard to iron.” This then got applied in a classist element: if those hayseeds loved those bad jokes, and they loved simple, clichéd movies, those were ‘corny’ too. And since those kind of movies also had “cloyingly sentimental” love scenes/speeches, it also hooked up with the idea of super-sweet and thick corn syrup, so the two ideas merged.  So America’s arc for it is a little meaner than England’s, or the Jewish community’s. BUT WOULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN NICER TO END BEFORE THAT?)

And…that’s all we’ve got time to cover today. Hopefully this post was pretty more-ish, and you come back for more next week. If not…I don’t know. I was going to threaten you, but honestly, I’m really busy the next week or two, so I just don’t have TIME to hunt you down and beat you with a sack of Swedes. And it just sounds EXHAUSTING. So I guess if you don’t come back, you’re safe, THIS TIME.  

MONDAY: I THINK I’LL DO AN EGG-BASED DISH. IT’S TIME FOR TORTILLAS DE ESPAñA, CABRONES! AND NO, I DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR USING THE LOWERCASE N WITH A TILDE, OR CALLING YOU “HE-GOATS”. (IT’S MEANER IN SPANISH)

NEXT THURSDAY: SPAIN, MAYBE? OR MAYBE A FOOD SHOW THING. I JUST GOT INTO A FOOD DOCUMENTARY RESOURCE.