Why hello there, and welcome to Jon’s go-to “I have no ideas, but I gotta teach these kids” post format, the Culinary Compendium! Here we will provide very legitimate, totally accurate definitions for culinary terms you may not be familiar with, in order that you can better safely navigate the stadiums of America. Culinarily, at least. I can’t protect you from $15 garlic fries, COVID, or being beaten up in Boston for “thinkin’ you’he so smaht”

First, the baseline

HOT DOG

1. A thing you said in the 50’s to express surprise and joy. Meant to assert that AMERICAN dogs were hot, unlike the communist cur Laika, who dwelt in space.

2. Originally named a “Dachshund Sausage”, after Wiener dogs, who were, in turn, named for Hot dogs, for very dumb reasons. (“Wiener” (pronounced “Vee-ner”) is German for “from Vienna”. Early Americans didn’t understand that the different names German immigrants used referred to specific types of sausage (A “Frankfurter” meant it was from Frankfurt, where the sausage is all pork, with specific spices, while a “Wiener” meant it was from Vienna, made with a pork and beef mix and different spices) so they ended up just calling hot dogs…all of the names. (except Bratwurst. They figured that one out.) So Dachshund sausage became “hot dog”, and then, as hot dogs became “wieners”, Dachshunds became “wiener dogs”.))

I know I’ve used this picture before, but eat it, you silly sausage puppy.

3. A lightly smoked sausage typically served in a bun, and topped with a variety of ingredients, with specific arrangements of toppings being regional specialties.

Carolina-style

1. A Carolina-style dog is topped with chili, coleslaw, onions, and occasionally mustard. Meaning it’s a CONEY ISLAND dog with extra steps.

Coney Island Dog

1. A variety of hot dog variations, mostly developed in the Midwest and Great Lakes regions, consisting of variations of “hot dogs topped with a meat sauce or chili”.

2. Most Coney Island origin stories describe Greek or Macedonian immigrants, fleeing the Balkan Wars of the early 1910’s, and entering America through Ellis Island. When arriving to America at that time, it was impossible to miss Coney Island, which sits at the mouth of the Hudson, and was the largest amusement park in the US at the time. So immigrants would see the park, and, once in the city, try and see it, as an example of the world of wealth and industrialization they’d come to. Once there, they would try Hot Dogs, which were being sold at Coney Island as early as 1900. They would then migrate to their eventual homes in Ohio, Michigan, and similar states, and serve hot dogs, which, for the colder weather, they doused with a ladle of hot meat sauce instead of sauerkraut. Several different immigrants supposedly all had roughly the same idea at roughly the same time, and…sure. Honestly, not that weird.

Chicago Dog

1. A Chicago dog, of every type of dog on this list, is the most SPECIFIC and probably tied for the most elaborate. It is, functionally, a grinder with a hot dog instead of sliced Italian meats: all beef dog, steamed poppy seed bun, tomato slices, pickle spear AND a much-greener-than-the-rest-of-the-country relish, celery salt, yellow mustard, chopped onions and peppers. God help you if you put ketchup on the thing, of course: that would be ridiculous.

2. The thing Chicago chooses to be the most uptight about.

I’ll give it this: its a nice range of colors.

Danger Dog

1. A deepfried, bacon-wrapped hot dog. The official hot dog of Los Angeles, taken from Mexican street vendors who often sold it with Mexican toppings like pickled jalapeño.

2. Note that LA calls it a “Bacon Wrapped Hot Dog”, because “Danger Dog” is kind of implicitly racist: while I assumed the name was because, you know, “Deep-fried and bacon-wrapped” are health dangers, it turns out it was because “who knows if you can trust those Mexican street vendors”?

Dodger Dog

1. A staple of the Los Angeles Dodgers’ stadium, a Dodger dog is a normal hot dog where the sausage is 10 inches long.

2. Which is just classic LA, right? They get a hot dog variety which is just “a normal hot dog, but more of it”, decide it’s boring, and then import a new variety from Mexico.

Here is a bacon-wrapped one, making it a Dodger Danger Dog.

Half Smoke

1. A Washington DC sausage. I specify “sausage” instead of “hot dog”, because that’s a thing THEY specify: Half smokes aren’t hot dogs, they’re like, a DC form of sausage. Closer to a Kielbasa or Polish sausage than a hot dog. Indeed, one of the theories for the name is that it is halfway between a smoked sausage and a hot dog. (Others include the fact that it is smoked, and is half-beef, half-pork, or that it is commonly cut in half before cooking.)

2. The weed form of pre-funking: a quick toke before heading out to the party so when you arrive you’re already half-smoked.

Kansas City Style

1. A pork hot dog in a sesame seed bun, with brown mustard, sauerkraut, and melted Swiss cheese.

2. Notable in that, as noted back in “hot dog”, the OG toppings for hot dogs were typically mustard and sauerkraut. Meaning Kansas city picked out a bun, slapped some cheese on it, and said “This is our thing now”.

3. Kansas City: Dedicated to being normal. (Especially funny given that basically every ‘normal’ commercial barbecue sauce is a riff on Kansas City Style. “America’s Baseline”)

Is this a picture of Kansas City, or a generic downtown of any Midwest city? Who can say.

New York System Hot Dog

1. The regional specialty of Long Island…Oh, I’m sorry, I’m being informed that’s a typo. It should say…Rhode? Guys, I know Rhode Island is only like, 20 miles from Long Island, but it’s not in New York. “Rhode Island is right”? Rhode Island just named their specialty hot dog after New York? Okay, weird move, but that’s fine. So what’s on the thing? Wait, let me guess…New York uses a lot of Kosher all-beef hot dogs…likes to top them with mustard, sauerkraut or grilled onions…”New York SYSTEM” feels like a reference to the subway…Oh, is it like a Hawaiian Puka dog, where they spike a loaf to make a tunnel for the dog to sit in? “It’s just a coney island dog”? Like, the thing MICHIGAN named for New York? What the fuck does “or vice versa” mean in this context? There’s a “MICHIGAN DOG” they serve in upstate New York that’s also just a Coney Island dog? So Michigan named a Hot Dog after New York, New York stole it back, but named it after Michigan, and now I am forced to presume Rhode Island stole it from them, but let them keep the name? This is the degree of nonsense I’d expect from Boston’s Drunk Ass, but Rhode Island...alright, the only thing I know about Rhode Island is Family Guy, so I guess this is about the right level of nonsense.

2. Apparently, the meat sauce is spiced a little different, and the hot dogs are made of pork and veal, so it’s its own thing.

Puka Dog

1. You weren’t even going to be INVITED, Hawaii, because I wasn’t sure if this was a legitimate cultural style, or a single chain getting popular. But then I brought you up while ranting about Rhode Island, so I have to explain.

2. Puka is…Hawaiian for “hole”, and refers to the fact that these hot dogs are made by taking a bun, and jamming it onto a heated spike, creating a polish-sausage sized hole in the bun, with the heating edges toasting it. Once toasted, a you add a garlic-lemon sauce of varyng spiciness, and then a tropical fruit-based relish, and maybe some passionfruit mustard.

3. Made by 2 companies, Hula Dog and Puka Dog, who exist because the couple that started Hula Dog got divorced and split the locations. Is it a legitimate trend? No idea, but it’s easily the most groundbreaking ideas I’ve heard in the world of hot dogs of late.

Though perhaps “dog in a hot hole” is even MORE innuendo-laden than normal.

Seattle-Style Hot Dog

1. The thing I made on Monday. Go read about it there.

2. Ugh, fine: a hot dog served with cream cheese, grilled onions, and (often) an additional ‘sharp’ ingredient such as Sriracha, barbecue sauce, or jalapeñoes.

3. Any hot dog you drop in a puddle.

Sonoran

1. The thing Danger Dogs are based on. An originally Mexican based variation, the Sonoran is a bacon-wrapped hot dog, grilled or griddled, served in bolillo roll, with pinto beans, mayo, mustard, onions, tomatoes, and salsa. So, you know, basically a Hot-Dog Torta.

2. Tied with Chicago for “the most stuff going on”.

This looks like a calzone, not a hot dog.

Texas Dog

1. Why does this say “a Coney Island dog made in Pennsylvania”? The Texas Dog ISN’T FROM TEXAS? Those assholes slap their name on every damn thing, and PENNSYLVANIA beat them to this one? Does Texas even have a hot dog? …Houston copied SEATTLE’S?! Cream Cheese, Caramelized Onions, Sriracha…curry ketchup…French’s Fried Onions and ‘Honey mayo’? I…Damn, I never thought I’d say this, but that definitely feels like Houston beat Seattle on Hipster Hot Dog.

Texas Tommy

1. Alright, so THIS guy is from Texas, right? What do you mean “Pennsylvania”? We just did a “texas dog” from Pennsylvania. THEY HAVE TWO?! What the hell is this one then? “A DANGER DOG STUFFED WITH CHEESE?” So it’s not even-they’re just knocking off the Sonoran too? …I want you to think and speak very carefully after I ask you this question: what the hell do you mean by “but 30 years ahead of them”? You’re telling me, we were making bacon-wrapped Hot dogs in the FIFTIES, in PENNSYLVANIA, naming them after TEXAS, and it took 30 years for Mexico to come up with the same idea, and for Arizona and Los Angeles to copy THEM?

2. I am so angry right now, I think I’m getting a migraine. I’m going to bed. Friday Jon can handle this.

(Editor’s note: whoops! Thanks for waiting an extra day for this one: Jon got home from Thursday dinner, had rehearsal, and completely forgot he hadn’t already finished the post until like, midnight. If it’s any consolation, he got a good bit of laundry done, and was able to finally get his YouTube tabs under control from the 5 days of content back-log that built up while he was at his brother’s wedding.)

And this is by no means the end-all, be-all of regional variations. Around the country, and around the world, people are doing all sort of crazy things with hot dogs. There’s a restaurant near me that has one with 1000 Island Dressing and Nacho Cheese, for some reason. There’s a restaurant in Texas doing wild game dogs: I don’t know what the hell a brandy-duck hot dog tastes like, but it’s crazy enough to try, So just take this as a primer of the many different(though sometimes infuriatingly the same) ways people are working with the humble wiener across the country.