Welcome back to Kitchen Catastrophes’ ongoing encyclopedia of pernicious palabras, where Jon gives definitions for various cooking terms, along with side-eye slurs through specious specifications. I’m your alliterative and assonant author and arrogant auter, Jon O’Guin. Today we’re going to take a first crack at a topic I intend to cover in greater detail later: American “Cuisines”. I was about to write that deeper look into it when I realized it would be a bit dry, so I figured we could all use a dip in the spring of sprightly wit beforehand.  So, let’s waste no more words on the introduction, but dive into the definitions!

Cuisine

1.  (n) A style of cooking, with a focus on the distinctions between countries, regions, and cultures. Encompasses notable ingredients, techniques, and dishes.
2.  (n) The French word for Kitchen. Which is a nice way to think of it. “German Kitchens are normally…”, “Meat is typically grilled in Mongolian Kitchens”, etc.
3.  (n) A word people use to trick you into buying garbage by implying it’s food.

Picture presented without comment.

American Cuisine

1. 1. The particular methods of cookings and meals created in American kitchens.
2. A phrase with functionally no meaning, because of the broad diversity of American cooking styles. Wikipedia acknowledges 6 broad categories of American cuisine, and 23 more distinct categories.
3. (European) Garbage.

New England Cuisine

1. The style of cooking emblematic of the Northeastern United States, heavily focused on seafood, dairy products, and stews.
2. Chowder and beer.
3. A place where they invented the “apizza”, which is a pizza, without mozzarella cheese, and therefore a place where God’s eyes do not turn, and sin consumes men’s hearts.

Midwestern Cuisine

1. A cuisine noted for its reliance on local industries, such as dairy, grain, and meat production.
2. America’s Casserole Pan
3. “That thing Grandma/Nana/Oma/Mami used to make, and it had a couple weird ingredients, but was so good, we last had it, like…I want to say five Christmases ago?”
4. A cuisine dedicated to enraging traditional European chefs from anywhere East of France. (“NEIN, THAT IS NOT HOW YOU COOK PIEROGI. THOSE ARE PIROZHKY!” “NYET, COMRADE, DO NOT BLAME THIS ABOMINATION ON US!”)

Cajun Cuisine

1. Canadian food that got lost.
2. A style generated by Canadian immigrants to the Lousiana territories, essentially using French techniques on southern ingredients.
3. These are the guys who make Gumbo.

Creole Cuisine

1. Cajun Cuisine, wearing a false moustache.
2. A style of cooking that melds the mix of cultures from pre-United States Louisiana, with components of French, Spanish, Native, and other cuisines.
3. Shit, no, wait. I think it’s THESE guys who make Gumbo.

It’s both. They both make gumbo, because everyone SHOULD make gumbo, because it’s delicious.

Hawaiian Cuisine

1. 1. A cuisine shaped by 5 distinct “waves” of influence, from ancient Polynesian voyagers, Native Hawaiians, to the colonial American and European influence, as well as Asian immigrants, and the “Americanization” that really took off around WW2.
2. The second highest cuisine in terms of Spam consumption, thanks to that aforementioned Americanization. We apologize.

Northwest Cuisine

1.  1. What hipsters eat.
2. A fascinating, from a food classification system, cuisine, with identifiable themes and ingredients, but no sense of a need to adhere to them. A cuisine not united by RECIPE, but by goals. (Consider that “Fresh Blueberry and Jalapeño shaved Ice” and “ Cedar-Grilled Salmon with seared Fiddlehead Ferns” are both immediately identifiable as being “Something those weirdos in Seattle/Portland eat”)

Yeah, that guy. That guy has locally grown Kale in his morning smoothies. You can tell, because he’s trying to sell you tree bark to put on your face.

Puerto Rican Cuisine

1.  Who let Puerto Rico in here? YOU’RE NOT A STATE. GET OUT.
2. The inventor of the Piña colada. So I guess they’re not all bad.
3. A diverse and rich culture that keeps having to turn their lush island bounty into tropical themed versions of continental US meals.

Southern Cuisine

1. 1. Just a goddamn mess, etymologically speaking. Seriously, we’re blending Scots with Choctaws, Nigerians with Seminole, Canadians with Spaniards, it’s a madhouse.
2. Like, 80 different cuisines that all look the same from a distance, but end up being magically different. See KENTUCKY BARBECUE vs NORTH CAROLINA BARBECUE vs GEORIGAN BARBECUE vs…
3. Deep-Fried Barbecue, served with wilted greens, sweet tea, and a slice of pie made from something other than fruit.

Tex-Mex Cuisine

1. Does your aunt think it’s “Hispanic” food? Then it’s probably this. Nachos? We made them. Fajitas? That’s us. Does it use Ground beef? Us Again. Is there more than a tablespoon of cheese per serving? Our bad.
2. An impersonation of Mexican cuisine, with plenty of starches, peppers, and spices.
3. What Taco Bell is failing to impersonate.
4. Southern Cuisine in a Cowboy hat, served with ‘tor-tlll-as”

Sweet God, who made this? Tex-Mex Lasagna? Maybe Europe was right?

Western Cuisine

1.  1. Oh god, this bunch . Like, at least the South agreed on a COUPLE things. This is just a mess. Washington and Oregon split off to make their own band, and Alaska tagged along.  California’s got like, 3 distinct cuisines of its own so it doesn’t have time to talk to everyone else, and Utah clearly got lost on its way to the Midwest, and is just too polite to leave while Nevada’s just drinking as much as it can before it dies of heat Stroke. Meanwhile,  Idaho is deep-frying steak chunks and venison it shot with its father’s gun, and Colorado is waste deep in weed candy, pot brownies, and Is currently trying to see if you can cure beef in THC oil, and make a Corned Beef “Hash”. (My preliminary research suggests “Yes”)
2. Where the weird shit comes from.

JOIN US NEXT TIME WHEN STUFF WILL HAPPEN.