Well hello there! Why hello there? I don’t remember my own catch phrase anymore. Anywho, it’s Thanksgiving! And while I am certainly moderately hung-over and spending time with my family, that doesn’t mean we ALL must be miserable! As ever, we’re tackling a Thanksgiving special episode. It WAS going to be The West Wing, but apparently that’s on HBO Now…now…(should have thought that sentence through). And Beardslee ain’t made of money, folks, so instead we’re doing another episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. So we’re doing the SEASON FIVE Thanksgiving episode. Why such a jump? TUNE IN BELOW

To Pick a Peck of Turkey Tech

Now the question becomes how long should I string you along before I give you the answ- nope, bored of that idea already. The answer is “because two of the thanksgiving specials aren’t really ABOUT Thanksgiving, and this one is a little more food-focused.” Remember, I was planning to do something else, and spend the night before Thanksgiving drinking, and…oh man, is this a bustling time of year for my family. I write this to you Tuesday night, because I have 5 scheduled events tomorrow, AND 3 recipes to make. By the end of Thanksgiving Day, my family, who normally cook about 2-3 times a week (and by “cook”, I should note we are often including “reheating leftovers”), will have cooked about…13 recipes, probably? The point is that I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO BE PICKY.

A panic not helped by SOMEONE Wednesday morning thinking they could jump up onto my bed, failing, and ending up hanging off the bed by THEIR CLAWS IN MY FOOT.

So, quick refresher if you don’t want to go back and read last year’s post : Brooklyn Nine-Nine, comedy show by Dan Schur, guy who made Parks and Rec, The Good Place, other big comedy shows. It’s about a fictional NYPD police department, and their wacky characters. Spoilers for the first season or two: by this point in the show, the “Will-they, won’t-they” energy of male lead Jake Peralta (a slacker goofball) and Amy Santiago (a driven, HEAVILY organized, “Type A” woman) has coalesced into a “will they”, with the two dating for several seasons. Indeed, their story arc in this episode, which I believe is the A story/plot, and is definitely the naming arc for the episode.

(Can’t remember if I covered this last year, and sorry if this ruins TV for you for a while, but most sitcoms have what’re called “A” and “B” stories/plots: a couple of characters in the main ensemble will be having the main story of the episode, the “A” plot, while the others will be engaged in another storyline, typically something tangentially or thematically related, or that will give them some lesson or insight to add to the A plot, allowing everything to be resolved. This format lets the show cut back and forth between the two (or more, you can have C plots. The OTHER Thanksgiving episode even has a great example of one: two characters have to leave the festivities to handle something, because either of them would have resolved the conflict of the B plot easily.) plots in order to give each plot room to breathe (like, “oh hey, Jake and Amy are going to their house. Rather than just cut to their house, let’s see what the rest of the squad are doing, so later we can cut back to Jake and Amy at home, their story already advanced.”) Great? Great.

The Thanksgiving Story

So, the backbone of this episode is framed around the Santiago-Peralta Thanksgiving: Jake and Amy are going to finally have their parents meet each other. This is very worrying, because, as noted, Jake and Amy have very different personalities, and their parents are even more exaggeratedly different: Jake’s mother is a relatively normal woman, a little bit of a hippy, a little scatter-brained, but not too strange. Jake’s DAD is a serial womanizer pilot who cheated on Jake’s mom frequently, and, was never home, due to his job and, you know, cheating. Amy’s parents are, as Jake says, “traditional, reserved, and, like their daughter, controlling.” (“I’m not controlling. I’m Type A. You should erase ‘controlling’ and put “Type A”.”) Also, yes, I will be reproducing a fair number of the jokes in the episode. You have to believe me, I always ensure I leave at least a couple really funny ones unmentioned, so as not to deprive you of ALL surprises from the specials we cover. I am straight up not mentioning at least 5 of my top 10 jokes in the episode.

They go over some easy conversation pieces (both men golf, both mothers paint…they all have hair), and kiss for luck before the dinner

“Vivid depiction of what we’re up against, thank you.”

Oh hey, Jake and Amy are going to their house. Rather than just cut to their house, let’s see what the rest of the squad are doing: the taciturn Captain Holt has arrived with his husband, Kevin, carrying a box of food. Hitchcock and Scully, the “old, gluttonous, useless slackers” of the squad, become briefly hyper-competent, deducing the contents of the box through the way Holt holds the box, the lack of condensation, and implicit weight of the contents: a Pie. Holt explains that it is a walnut pie that he and Kevin drive up to Saratoga Springs (a roughly 3-4 hour drive one way) every year to buy. He’s bringing it to Kevin’s family’s house for dinner. The other squad members explain their plans: Boyle (the obsequious foodie of the team) is preparing an elaborate Egg-based feast for his new adopted son. Sergeant Terry (played by Terry Crews, and whose personality can best be summed up as “Terry Crews”), whose wife gave birth on Thanksgiving, notes that it is ALSO his youngest daughter’s birthday, so he’s preparing for that, having already bought her the hot new toy of the season. Rosa (the badass of the team) plans to drive her motorcycle on the highway, alone. “No family, no friends, no dinner.”

Someone mentioned that, on rewatching the series, it’s weird how often Rosa smiles in the first couple episodes, given how little she does so in the rest of the show. I bring this up to highlight that her ‘thank you’ here is genuine, despite her expression.

Kevin leaves, snubbing Hitchcock and Scully, so now we can cut back to Jake and Amy at home, their story already advanced: we’re technically at Jake’s parent’s house, and quickly learn that his parents are playing into their stereotypes: his mother has read an article about “super water” (just…the liquid left over from washing vegetables), so she’s prepared some, and Jake’s dad is still in the shower, despite the Santiagos arriving in LITERAL seconds. They do so, with it being revealed that…

A completely normal thing to do.

Camila, Amy’s mom, has brought a whole turkey she cooked beforehand, with stuffing (her ACTUAL assigned dish) inside, “so now we have two turkeys, just in case”. (Hence the title of the episode.) Also, and I don’t know if I’m going to get a chance to touch on this, but it drove me crazy the first time she was in an episode: Jake’s mom is played by Katey Sagal, the voice of Leela on Futurama. It’s very interesting seeing someone act when you know them predominantly for voice work. Anywho, Jake’s dad comes out partially undressed, unready for company, and we quickly cut back to the precinct.

Someone has stolen Holt’s pie. The suspicion immediately falls on Hitchcock and Scully, as their desks are covered in crumbs, but they demonstrate that, of the 5 things the crumbs are from, none of them are pie. Holt tells the squad that whoever took it need only step forward, and he’ll forgive them, leading to one of many highly memed moments in the show:

Sorry for the repetition of the set-up: It turns out I DIDN’T screenshot the final line, and my internet is refusing to reconnect to the site this morning, so I had to grab this from one of the aforementioned memes.

Back to A: Jake and Amy are worried that things are off to a rough start, and things get even rougher as they quickly discover the fractal nature of hobbies: yes, both of the moms paint, but they paint in very different mediums, both of them laying on some clear dismissal/snobbery to the other’s style. A failed attempt by Jake’s dad to change the subject leads to the second topic: Golf…where Jake learns his father DOESN’T like golf, he would lie about playing it so he could cheat on Jake’s mother. Another failed attempt to connect, and we’re down to the dregs. Jake and Amy reconvene in the kitchen, thinking of a new strategy. Playing a game is out, as both fathers are very competitive. Amy laments that there’s no magic potion that will force people to have fun and be happy…

Smart. Very smart.

The next little while proceeds much as you might expect: Holt works his way steadily through the team, eliminating suspects, establishing alibis, while the Santiagos and Peraltas get progressively smashed, getting along famously while doing so. Holt, stymied, turns to the Pie detectives of Hitchcock and Scully, Amy’s dad produces Cuban rum to get everyone MORE drunk. Everything is going smoothly, until the fathers start making toasts to the new couple…and drunkenly try to one-up each other.

A tragic lesson too many learn too late.

This leads to the classic collapse: the families start nitpicking, the now-intoxicated Jake and Amy align with their own parents, starting to turn them against each other. Meanwhile, Holt has discovered that ALL of the given alibis are false. When he confronts the detectives about it, he discovers each of them had an embarrassing secret they were trying to hide from the squad. It seems no one stole his pie. Indeed, Hitchcock and Scully have discovered it, intact, in the trash.

Things are, of course, coming to a head. So I, of course, want to cock-block it. Specifically, I want to give people the option to bail if they want to: while I know I don’t mind spoilers (and scientific studies say they don’t actually “ruin” things all that much, indeed, what studies have been conducted suggest people enjoy spoiled stories MORE: because you know what’s coming, you can build your personal anticipation, enjoy the little bits of foreshadowing, etc. Now, that doesn’t mean you should run around spoiling things willy-nilly: the values are VERY close to each other; we’re talking “spoiled enjoyment 100%, unspoiled enjoyment 95%, margin of error 4%” and certain people can care more, or certain stories have more wiggle room.)

I’ll say that I (of course) enjoy the episode, and I like it. There’s a lot of fun discussions in both sides about being honest, and enjoying what you have. It’s a cozy little episode. If you don’t want to learn more, go and check it out, and we’ll see you Monday, where I think we’ll be making some…”bread”? I just had a thought, so I’m going to have to think about it. Anyway, plenty of options, it’ll definitely be something tasty and kind of cool.

SPOILERS AWAIT YE HERE.

Those guys gone? Cool.

So, back with the A plot: we’re finally at the table, and as the two families bicker, both men insist that THEY have to carve the turkey. They do so, drunkenly trading barbs, with Jake’s dad going so far as to accuse Amy’s Dad of “never having sex” (a BOLD claim to make about a man whose child is literally in the room), this leads to the mothers both praising the father’s sexual prowess, to the mixed pride and disgust of Jake and Amy. As Jake’s dad works himself into a self-righteous lecture against Mr Santiago, a revelation occurs.

Since you guys stuck around, another fun detail/spoiler for you: Jake and Amy’s dads are played by Bradley Whitford and Jimmy Smits, respectively, both of whom were on The West Wing as major characters (though Smits not until later seasons.) Which is another reason I picked this episode: at least I get SOME of the right characters.

The following blood and panic lead to a speedy trip to the hospital, where the hospital is under-staffed, and indifferent to the classic carving accident, but Mr Santiago arrives, and in a storm of righteous anger, DEMANDS that Jake’s dad be seen IMMEDIATELY, or so help him he’ll sue the entire damn hospital. Jake and Amy realize they’d been pulled into their family’s squabbles, and apologize to each other, Jake admitting that it’s his fault for trying to force a big family Thanksgiving.

Back at the precinct, Kevin returns, and is informed of the pie’s destruction, with Raymond revealing that he knows who the culprit is: Kevin. Kevin admits it, revealing that he HATES the pie, he only eats it because he loves the trip to go buy it every year.

CUE THE SAD PEANUTS MUSIC.

Holt says they can keep making the trip, they just won’t buy the pie. Kevin is touched by the idea. (An ongoing bit is that Kevin and Holt are incredibly professional and stoic. In an earlier season, Kevin was surprised that Holt was willing to SHAKE HIS HAND in public, declaring it a “PDA”.) We cut back to Jake’s dad, out of surgery, thumb re-attached. Jake’s mom has passed out, and Amy’s dad explains to Jake that growing up in a large family, he can’t begin to count how many holidays he’s had to spend in the ER: that this crazy moment IS the kind of thing that Jake was unknowingly looking for. The two men reconcile, admitting that they both got defensive, and hug.

Like I said before: it’s a nice and cozy little episode. It’s all about people trying to be who they’re not, or trying to hide things, and how just being open and kind is better. There’s a lot of fun to be had in it: From Boyle breaking down in tears as he admits his embarrassing secret (His son ISN’T a foodie like him, he only eats buttered noodles and only drinks milk), to a recurring bit about penises, and Holt and Kevin are a constant delight, constantly dry.

I recommend you check it out, and remember: Alcohol has downsides, sometimes you’re just gonna end up in the ER, and…lie pies may be a subtle disguise, but the right guys don’t need lies. Or something. I don’t know, it’s like 2 AM.

MONDAY: I WASN’T JOKING THAT I DON’T KNOW. I’VE MADE A COUPLE THINGS IN THE INSTANT POT, A PASTA DISH, SOME PIES…I HAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS, BUT I THINK WE MAY DO PASTA, BECAUSE IT WILL LET ME DO SOMETHING DUMB FOR DECEMBER.

THURSDAY: I WILL, ALMOST CERTAINLY, BE IN LEAVENWORTH BY THAT POINT, SO…I DUNNO.