Why hello there, and welcome back to Kitchen Catastrophes’ ongoing segment, the Cooking Compendium, an egregious but edifying encyclopedia of edible etymologies, ersatz elucidations, and enumerations of esoteric ephemera, and the segment I also use to just hawk up a big ol wad of assonance and/or alliteration for my own amusement. Today, we’re tackling eggs. Well, we’re COVERING eggs. Tackling them is just a bold way to get protein stains on your clothes. …Which reminds me, I spilled tahini oil on one of my shirts, and need to hit that shit with a stain pen before it goes in the wash. I have weird problems. Anyway, we’re talking about eggs: how to make them, break them, and eat them, so let’s dig in

BAKED

1. (adj) Baked Eggs are a relatively underused system in standard American households, because of the increased time they take. The standard formation is to crack eggs, often with a vegetable or cheese, into a small ramekin (or shirrer, a old type of dish that gives the method its other name, ‘shirred eggs’) and baking until the whites are set, and the yolks still runny.

2.Baked Eggs in the O’Guin household, therefore, always refers to a rough approximation of the dish done in the microwave: a pyrex dish is lined with sliced meat (almost always Budding Beef slices), a small cube of cheese is added, then a splash of milk, the egg, and salt and pepper. The entire affair is covered, and cooked for roughly 2 minutes in the microwave.

I can only show you the eggs. It is up to you to microwave them.

3. An egg that’s been playing it fast and loose with the Devil’s Lettuce, and now really wants brownies.

BOILED

1.       .…Do you really need an explanation for the word ‘boiled’? Fine. Whatever. “Cooked in water above the boiling point.” Are you happy now? Anyway, the real reason this is here is for the distinction between HARD and SOFT boiled eggs

2. HARD ~: A variety of boiled egg that has been cooked long enough for its yolk to completely cook through, ‘hardening’. Used to make Deviled Eggs, to preserve eggs for easy protein boosts, and other applications.

3.HARD-BOILED; definition 2 : A type of crime drama or detective, cynical, world-weary, and emotionally shut-off. Seemingly derived from an old vaudeville joke, “What’s the hardest thing to beat?” “A hard-boiled egg.” The term was also applied to stoic, tight-fisted players in pool halls, as they, too, were “hard to beat”.  This conflated with another usage, the idea of a “bad egg” criminal that has been the focus of so much ‘heat’ (police attention or criminal opposition), that they have cooked to ‘hard-boiled.’

4. SOFT ~: A variety of boiled egg who has been cooked just long enough for the WHITES to set, while the yolk remains liquid. A common example is a “six minute egg”, referring to the length of time at which it boils. Also called a “jammy egg”, as the yolk may partially thicken, creating a jam-like or “jammy” texture. Humorously, most reliably achieved by using a sous vide machine, not by boiling.

FRIED

1. It’s rather rare to deep-fry eggs (unless coated in something, a la Scotch Eggs), so typically frying refers to cooking the eggs in a skillet or pan, with a small amount of oil, typically creating SCRAMBLED EGGS, EGGS OVER ~, or SUNNY SIDE UP eggs, which will all be discussed in a moment. However, there is one variant that’s been recently popular that should be discussed here

2. SPANISH OIL-FRIED: A reference to cooking eggs in a much higher-than-standard amount of hot olive oil, popular in Spain. This causes the edges of the fried egg to become much crisper, and the overall egg to be bubblier. Eggs fried this way have recently become somewhat popular, for the contrasting textures and impressive visuals.

Say what you will, it’s visually a lot more…complex.

FRITTATA

1. (noun) An Italian variant on fried eggs, originally used for any kind of fried eggs, but in the last 80 years or so coming to refer to a specific formation of what some describe as “an open-faced OMELETTE”: a mixture of eggs and other ingredients thoroughly combined, and fried over low heat, to create a layered structure, then fully flipped over or finished under a broiler. Typically served in pie-slices of the layered result.

2. Comparable to a great many other egg dishes, such as a SPANISH OMELETTE, Arabic Eggah, Japanese Okonomiyaki, and more!

3. A dish I cannot make without substituting its name into the Shikaka song from Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls, because I watched that film at a formative age.

IS it the greatest film in the world? No. But I’ll be damned if the “throw me a spear” gag didn’t cause 10 year old Jon to laugh his ASS off.

OMELETTE

1. (noun) a dish where a mixture of beaten eggs is fried with oil, but not stirred, in order to form a single sheet of egg, that is then folded or rolled over itself, often containing other ingredients such as cheese, meats, herb, and sauces. Essentially a quesadilla or burrito, with the tortilla replaced with Egg. Can be seen being made by my brother HERE.

2. SPANISH OMELETTE: Essentially a version of a FRITTATA, where beaten eggs are mixed with thinly sliced potatoes and onions, and sometimes peppers, before being fried in a pan.

3. TAMAGOYAKI – A traditional Japanese omelette, made by frying thin layers of egg, rolling them up, and then rolling subsequent layers AROUND the original roll, making a growing cylinder of thinly layered egg mass. Served at many sushi restaurants, and one of Jon’s favorite Nigiri rolls.

OVER

1. How one ends a radio transmission, meant to indicate that you have finished and are expecting a response. Notable because it should be REPLACED with “Out” if you have finished and do NOT expect a response, making the line “over and out” gibberish. (“I have finished and am expecting a reply, do not reply.”)

2. A term used to describe the doneness of FRIED Eggs, referencing the state of the yolk, as explicated below.

3. OVER EASY: A fried egg where the yolk is minimally cooked, or functionally uncooked.

4. OVER MEDIUM: A fried egg whose yolk is partially cooked, resulting in a jammy interior.

5. OVER HARD: The “well done” of eggs, a fried egg where the yolk is completely cooked.

And like a well-done steak, in my opinions, once you’ve cooked them that long, the meal is OVER, and you should throw it OUT.

POACHED

1. The tragic state of many African animals, and most of the meat consumed by Robin Hood.

2. Eggs lightly cooked in simmering water, where the egg whites form a “pouch” around the yolk. Roughly equivalent to a very soft-boil, or a more liquidous over easy egg, distinguished by the different texture and shape the cooking method gives.

SCRAMBLED

1. A method of FRYING eggs, whereby the yolks and whites are beaten together during frying, resulting in a single, mostly homogenous mass of protein.

2. What you make if the yolk breaks while trying to make another type of fried eggs.

3. Distinguished by having 2 forms: HARD scrambled and SOFT Scrambled, which cause a not-insignificant amount of consternation in the O’Guin household.

HARD SCRAMBLED Eggs are eggs that have been thoroughly cooked, to the point that there is little to no surface moisture on the eggs. Often stirred more slowly, creating larger ‘curds’ or chunks of egg matter. Think of what you get on Biscuit breakfast sandwich, a solid disk or folded flap of eggs. There may even been browned patches on the eggs. These are Nate’s preferred scrambled eggs.

SOFT SCRAMBLED eggs are cooked much more gently, and stirred much more frequently, creating smaller curds, and therefore a looser and gentler texture. There’s not a great comparison if you haven’t had them, but something not unlike a thickened custard. These are JON’S preferred scrambled eggs, as for several years, his default breakfast was two soft-scrambled eggs on a slice of whole-wheat toast.

Fluff Stuff FOR LIFE.

As you can imagine, the two frequently complain whenever the other is in charge of making eggs, an argument Nate tends to win due to his sleep schedule letting him get up earlier than Jon in order to make breakfast how HE likes. (This is also why he’s the site Baron of Breakfast: Jon can’t be bothered to care about fancy cooking before 11 AM.)

SUNNY SIDE UP

1. A variant of FRIED eggs, where you never flip the egg in the pan: meaning the yolk, and even some of the egg white, is completely uncooked. As you can guess from Jon’s discussion on uncooked egg white on Monday, he is not a fan, but it’s probably the most iconic LOOKING fried egg, since the uncooked yolk sits on top, boldly yellow and ‘sunny.’

Or like the Ghost of Deadpool, depending on how your eggs sit in the pan.

And that’s all, yolks.

MONDAY: A GRILLED CHEESE DISH THAT’S BOTH EASIER THAN IT SOUNDS, AND HARDER THAN IT FEELS LIKE IT SHOULD BE. GRILLED CHEESE HOT DOGS FOR GRILLED CHEESE MONTH.

THURSDAY: EITHER WE EXPLORE THE COMPONENTS OF A GREAT GRILLED CHEESE, OR WE TALK ABOUT A COOKBOOK. I HAVEN’T DECIDED YET.