Why hello there, and welcome back to Kitchen Catastrophe, where Jon is fresh off a week of screaming chaos to have suddenly stumbled into something like sobriety. Not for himself, oh no. He’s drunk more this week than he has in like, a month and a half. It would be MULTIPLE months if not for a reunion in August. BUT we’re not here to stage an intervention for me drinking…5 drinks in 3 days. Because A: That’s insanity, and B: I’m not letting you in my house, there’s a fucking pandemic. NO, today we’re talking about GOOP. Not the weird wellness brand from Gwyneth Paltrow, a topic I have studiously NOT learned about, but rather the physical substance of goo/gel, and its GPA. Which is a fun mnemonic device to remember how to make goo. Let’s explain it.

Never a Perfect GPA

“GPA” stands for Gelatin, Pectin, Agar, the three main substances home cooks might use to make gels. There’s several other compounds that you can use, but they’re a little more expensive/complicated to get ahold of, so we’re going to focus on these three. BUT FIRST, what IS a gel, and why would we want to make one?

Gels, as you might have read in our FAQ, are a type of colloid, a suspension or dispersal of one substance into another with intermediate particle size. Sorry for the technicality of that sentence, I was about to give you an example of a colloid, but learned it is actually NOT technically a colloid, because the particles are too small. You deal with colloids all the time. Blood is, technically, a colloid, suspending blood cells in plasma. Milk is a colloid, suspending fat and protein molecules in water. And gels are a colloid. Specifically, they are a type of colloid consisting of liquids dispersed into solids. If that feels a little too technical, here’s an easy explanation: basically, gels are kind of like sponges.

Monstrous parodies of exploited labor?

Or, for a more accurate understanding: you know the powder in Gelatin? Imagine if each of those little grains was an empty balloon. When you add water, the grains swell up and get sticky, combining with each other, to form essentially a wall of water balloons. That’s why it’s so wobbly, and if you cut into it with a spoon, some liquid will leak out: you just popped a bunch of balloons.

So, why do you want gels? Because they’re goo. They’re a fun texture to work with. Depending on the balance of water to solid, and the exact compound used, they can be chewier, or much more like barely-restrained liquid.

Alright, you got the 101, so let’s build up your GPA.

Gelatin is, funnily enough, from Latin.

Gelatus is “frozen”, referring to the compound’s ability to make water into something that looks like ice, but is much softer. Gelatin is probably the most famous of the compounds, and also the most problematic: see, gelatin is reduced/processed collagen. Specifically, animal collagen. You make gelatin by breaking down animal (almost any animal: cattle, chickens, fish, horses, pigs, whatever) bones, skin, and connective tissues. (People like to SAY gelation is made of “horse hooves”, but that’s actually wrong: Horse hooves are basically giant fingernails, since they’re made out of keratin, and keratin cannot produce gelatin. Horse BONES, sure. Hooves? No. It’s a weird line to draw, but I draw it.) Thus, it’s not vegan, and many vegetarians don’t approve of it either, since you know, animal SKIN is pretty close to animal MEAT.

Very close. cheek to cheek. Actually, no, the cheek is the skin.

It is ALSO a problem for many based on where it comes from. Food-grade gelatin can’t come from pigs (a very popular source, since pork skin and bones are amazing for collagen harvesting, and aren’t very popular for home purchase) if you want to serve it to kosher or halal-observing Jews and Muslims.

So it’s the most famous one of the bunch, but, as with many famous things, it’s got some issues, and a lot of religious people have problems with it. Next up, THE P.

When Working Out, Don’t Forget to Get your Pectin

Is it obvious I don’t work out much? (Actually, I used to love lifting weights. It’s when I had to do it on my own with no guiding metric that I lost interest.) Anyway, that pun was really more a stretch before the workout, if you know what I mean. (Please stop.) SHUT IT, Parenthetical Nerd Jon, It’s Jock Nerd Jon time now.

Look at my chiseled form, and despair.

So, Pectin Is a natural gelling structure found in fruits. And I’m not just talking about your mom’s pears, bro. What? You thought I was gonna make a gay joke? I may be a Jock Nerd, but it’s 2020, Buh-ronavirus. Homophobia’s reserved for assholes and the Supreme Court. Nah, much better to make jokes about being sexually attracted to your friends’ family members. No way that position of authority in the group could lead to a problematic power dynamic in any real relationship, Ulysses S Brah-nt. Cuz the only thing she’s abusing is her arteries if she tries to pound down this beefcake. (*Flexes utterly non-defined arms*)

As I was saying, pectin is found it fruits, and while it’s the second most famous gelling agent, it’s got its own set of problems. Specifically, it’s far less Jell-o, and way more jell-ee. Jelly. The biggest place you find pectin is in jellies and jams. And that’s really about how firm it gets, unlike this rockin’ bod. I’m so hard I’m breaking the Moh’s scale, baby. Pectin, though…at its best, we’re talking Aplets and Cotlets, which is a VERY specific reference, since that candy is not widely sold outside of Washington, but is comparable in texture to a Turkish delight. It…sheers in a way that the other two don’t, and there’s a kind of grittiness to it. It’s by no means BAD, it has plenty of perfectly valid uses. For instance, jams, or jellies. It’s just not something you’re going to use for a Jell-o-style situation, which, in honor of Jersey Shore, is what I call my abs.

I like how he specifically uses the phrase “creeping on” women. He may be a narcissist, but at least he’s a moderately self-aware one.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go do Squats, before Games Workshops pretends I don’t exist. Deep Cuts, babe!

A Gar is a Vicious Freshwater Fish. Agar is a Delicious Gelatinized Dish

Now that Jock Nerd Jon is gone, we can get to the interesting part. Agar agar is the gelling agent so nice…it’s used in dishes around the world. Most famously, it’s a component of Hi-Chew, a candy that’s having growing popularity in America, after a long-growing following in Japan. (Note: Apparently, it’s a component of JAPANESE Hi-Chew, with most American Hi-Chew made using a different formula, that actually replaces the Agar-Agar with Gelatin. Which means I have likely accidentally lied to at least one vegan friend. Fuck.)

DECEPTION. DISGRACE.

Hi-Chew was invented in Japan by an entrepreneur who tried American candy, and then returned to Japan to start his own company, as a substitute/replacement for chewing gum, since the problem with chewing gum is eventually, you either have to swallow it, or spit it out. Given the Japanese value on civility and politeness, chewing gum therefore had something of a bad reputation, being associated with rudeness, uncleanliness, etc. Hi-Chew was made as a replacement for that, since the candy breaks down as you chew it, making it easier to swallow, both literally and figuratively.

BUT THIS ISN’T ABOUT HI-CHEW, it’s about Agar! Which is also used as the gel bottom of petri dishes. Agar is made from a compound derived from red algae, so it IS vegan and vegetarian friendly, and indeed is commonly seen in candies or desserts for those dining preferences. It’s a little harder to get your hands on, but if you have relatives or friends who are vegan, it might be an ingredient you want to try playing around with.

Rounding Out the Semester

Is that all the gelling agents? Absolutely not. Sodium Alginate, for instance, is a famous one used in Molecular gastronomy to great “bubbles” of various liquids. Carrageenan, another goo-making compound derived from the sea (specifically, from red SEAWEED, as opposed to red algae), is common in a lot of “I want it to have a smooth mouthfeel, but I don’t want the whole thing to “set”” situations, like beer and ice cream. But you’re not as likely to find those, or the other jackanapes in the halls of your average supermarket quite yet, while you CAN find the main three. If you’re interested in more Gel-ventures, I assure you I will probably get around to doing something with sodium alginate EVENTUALLY, but for now, these three should give plenty of options to play with.

MONDAY: I MADE THE MEAT AND PEAS DISH! I CAN FINALLY KNOW PEACE, AND PEAS!

THURSDAY: MY IGNORANCE HERE WILL NOT DULL MY TRIUMPH!