Why Hello There, and welcome back to Kitchen Catastrophes! I’m your author, academic, and potential antagonist, Jon O’Guin. Today, we’re going to do some things. Dark and terrible things. Or not. In fact, we’re actively STOPPING terrible things.  I’m not too proud to admit that I was using you guys as something of an emotional crutch these last few weeks, complaining of the many inconvenient facets of my family’s recents turmoils. Sadly, you’ve silently endured these missives, thus providing me no sense of joy in your uneasiness at my brutal claims. IN short, trying to make you squeamish has grown boring. As such, I’ve decided to return to my one true love: the intricacies of linguistics!

Yes. This is what I think of when I say that word. Green Gear Brain Cloud.

Let me give credit where credit is due: the next bit of this post was inspired by some of Tom Scott’s YouTube videos, because if there are two things I love in this world, it’s both the joy of learning, and the feeling of self-satisfaction I gain from knowing things people try to tell me. As such, his series “Things You Might Not Know” is like crack for my brain, and my “Things I love more than anything else” list is becoming long enough to render the list title invalid. Also, I’m pretty sure crack for your brain is just crack, but let’s skip that discussion for one about phonotactic constraints, abugidas, Bing Crosby, and translation!

Without A Word of Warning

Firstly, let’s get Bing out of the way, because it’s clear he was feeling a little awkward in that group. Bing Crosby has had a huge influence on my family. My mother likes his songs, my brother loves his movies, and my dad liked his parenting style, so I was constantly bombarded with him. And, of course, with sacks of oranges, telephone books, and metal-studded belts. However, one of the videos of Tom Scott’s references a song he performed, “Mele Kalikimaka”, and how it works with phonotactic constraints, a term so jargon-y that my spell check refuses to accept it’s real.

Phonotactic constraints, are, basically, the rules a language has for making words or sounds. This is something you might not really think of all that often, so let me break it down with some fun examples, using English constraints.  First, let’s talk about starting words:

-there are no English words that start with the “Ng” sound (as in “sing” or “wing”) or the “zh” sound (as in “pleasure” or “Vision”).

-You can’t start words with 3 consonant sounds unless the first one’s S (“Spring” is fine, but “gpring” isn’t.)

Speaking more broadly, English words need to have at least 1 vowel (counting Y), or, in roughly six words left over from stealing from Welsh, a W. (It used to make a u sound). And there are at least 9 other rules of varying rigidity. (The “H” sound is never the very last sound in a word, you can’t have more than two of a single consonant at a time, etc)

Too many rules, like too much Kimchi, fills one up with hot air. 
That's a fart joke, not Eastern wisdom.

While I’m certain you’re all excited for what amounts to an entry-level collegiate grammar lesson, let’s move back to the first example: “Mele Kalikimaka”  is the Hawaiian way to say Merry Christmas, and that phrasing is actually VERY accurate: Mele Kalikimaka is the closest the Hawaiian language lets you get to copying the sounds in the words “Merry Christmas”, while still holding to their language’s original phonotactic constraints.  The Rs becomes Ls, the consonants in the middle get spaced out, because all consonants have to have a vowel after them, and the S becomes a K, because Hawaiian doesn’t natively use an S sound. (For a similar thing, go look up how many Spanish words have Ws in them. It’s so uncommon the only word that started with a W in my Spanish dictionary was “whisky”.)  The T just vanishes because, let’s be honest, WE never say it was a T sound there, why should they?

Now, at this juncture, you’re no doubt saying “That’s…’cool’ and all, Jon, but what does this have to do with cooking?” Well, as I was preparing to write about today’s recipe, I did what I always do, and look up the meaning of the name. And ran into a weird quirk of translation: the idea of “sound blocks”. See, in the modern Korean alphabet of Hangul, letters aren’t placed sequentially to make words, they’re arranged into bricks of meaning. This is hard to explain with just words, so let me break it down really quick with a picture.

Here's the word Hangul, written in Hangul. Linguistics can be confusing.

Kind of confusing to look at at first, but really cool once you get it. Linguists super love this alphabet, because it’s an artificial one: the original Korean script was logographic, meaning each symbol stood for an idea rather than a sound. In the 1400’s, the King of Korea (Which, quick sidebar, is a great title to say) built the new alphabet himself, to promote literacy. The story of it is really cool, but I don’t have time to discuss this today.  I’ll spend some time on Thursday really breaking it down, because honestly, if there isn’t a movie, the story is kind of perfect to translate to a sort of thoughtful artpiece the Oscars love so much. When not awarding self-fellating depictions of L.A. What was I talking about?

The Big Bap-er

Oh yeah, Bibimbap. Broken down, Bibimbap is a pretty simple dish: mix rice, veggies, maybe meat, probably an egg or two, and throw some sauces on it. I’ve mostly encountered dolsot bibimbap in my life, or “Stone bowl bibimbap”, so named because it’s served in a hot stone bowl. The bowl’s used to fry a crust onto the outer rice kernels, to give more texture to the dish. Bibimbap is basically the Korean version of Fried Rice.

In addition to the simple recipe, it’s got a simple name. “Bap” is the word for “(cooked) Rice” in Korean, and “Bibim” means “Mixed”. I had a moment of irritation with the name, since I think there’s a bunch of cool stuff going on in the dish, and the name kind of short sells it, until I reflected on the amount of implicit ingredients in the name “Fried Rice”. I mean, sure, there’s rice. But everywhere of even moderate attention and care puts quite a bit more in. Green onions, peas or carrots, egg, to say nothing of the potential meats. Why should I be bothered with Korea’s lax naming conventions, when I’m guilty of almost identical choices?

No need to get...saucy with Korea, Jon.

IN any case, Bibimbap is delicious, and, despite having an ingredient list longer than some religious texts, actually rather simple to make. Most of it can actually be done up to DAYS ahead of when you want to eat, and held until ready to cook. The first step is to make a bunch of rice. 2.5 cups uncooked, which should produce something like 8 cups cooked. This recipe serves 6 people, by the way, or 2 people for like, 3 meals. It's based on a recipe from America's Test Kitchen. 

Next, you whip up a sauce of sesame oil, gochujang, sugar and water. This one is just “mix shit together with a spoon until incorporated. It’ll take a little longer than you think is reasonable to get the oil to mix if you use a spoon, so use a fork instead. Now, if you’ve forgotten, gochujang is a Korean spice paste that’s pretty cool. One of the nice perks of it is that a container keeps for like a year in the fridge, so you drop $6 on it and as long as you figure out something to use it on like, every other month, you get your money’s worth.

The next step is, to me, the coolest. You’re basically going to turn a saucepan into a mini-wok, and, when everything goes right, it makes you feel like a total bad-ass. This step is also the absolute WORST, because of one word: prep time. See, the next step is cooking some veggies down to mix into the rice. Carrots for sweetness, shiitake mushrooms for meatiness, and spinach for some iron and earthiness. The problem is that you gotta grate the carrots, and stem and thinly slice the shiitakes. And while 8 oz of shiitakes may not sound like a lot, remember how light mushrooms are. Prepping the shiitakes can take 15 minutes on its own your first time. Especially if, like me, you think “thinly sliced” needs to be SUPER thin. Really, anything around or under 1//8th of an inch is fine.

This morning, I watched the America's Test Kitchen video about this recipe, and when they said "Anything under 1/4" slices", I literally swore out loud. 

Carrots shredded and mushrooms sliced, it’s time to get funky. The sauce for the veggies is, as I will keep saying, pretty simple: soy sauce, water, sugar, minced garlic and minced scallions. You mix up about a cup of it. (I think it depends on the size of your scallions, as my first batch only made ¾ cup.) Then, you get a thick pot blazing hot. You want a teaspoon of oil to shimmer in it. Then, you plow through the veggies like a machine. Toss in the carrots, toss to coat in oil. Throw in 1/3 of the scallion-soy mix, and stir stir stir for about 2 minutes. Then out come the carrots, more oil goes in. Once it starts to sizzle on the carrots your clumsy fingers left, in go the mushrooms. Another couple tosses, then another dose of the scallion-soy sauce. Three to Four minutes later, they’ll have withered down and browned, and they’ll come out, the spinach will go in, as well as the last of the sauce. Two to three minutes later, the veggies are done.

I arranged mine into the configuration of a FILTHY Irish flag.

As noted, at this point, you could just toss all the ingredients in Tupperware and walk away.  Which I did, the first time I made it. The second time, I just plowed through. At this point, you’ve only got about 8 minutes left before you eat. First, take that pot you cooked your veggies in, or a new one, and heat 2 tablespoons veggie oil with 1 of sesame oil on high. You want it almost smoking. Then you drop in the rice, and spread it out as evenly as you can. Then don’t touch it for 2-3 minutes. You’re trying to get a crispy, crunchy crust. This is one of those things you can’t really check on without screwing with it, so if you’re in doubt, wait longer. Unless you smell burning. Then you waited too long.

Assuming you didn’t burn it, throw the veggies on top, and reduce the heat to low, as you fry some eggs to go on top. In a normal dolsot bibimbap, you wouldn’t even cook the egg, instead just mixing it in, but do what you want. Top the entire bowl with the gochujang sauce you made. Then, stir it all together, making sure to pull the crust up into the main mixture. Throw it all in bowls, and top with more gochujang sauce, and kimchi.

Hot diggity damn.

You’ve got a filling meal that’s pretty darn healthy, with fun textures and flavors. This is one of the few recipes I’ve made for the site that went straight into my family’s repertoire, as my mom had me make it again the next weekend.  All in all, not bad for some mixed-up rice.

As always, thanks for reading, and if you liked the post, share it on Facebook, or other social medias! If you have ideas for things to us to make, message us! If you want us to definitely do stuff you ask for, support us on Patreon! Have a great day!

NEXT TIME: JON RAMBLES ABOUT LINGUISTIC HISTORY. MAYBE HE TALKS ABOUT FOOD, MAYBE NOT. HARD TO JUDGE.

RECIPE

Ingredients

Chile Sauce

• ¼ cup gochujang
• 3 tablespoons water
• 2 tablespoons toasted sesame oil
• 1 teaspoon sugar

Rice

• 2 ½ cups short-grain white rice
• 2 ½ cups water
• ¾ teaspoon salt

Vegetables

• ½ cup water
• 3 scallions, minced
• 3 tablespoons soy sauce
• 3 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
• 3 carrots, peeled and shredded (2 cups)
• 8 ounces shiitake mushrooms, stemmed, caps sliced thin
• 1 (10-ounce) bag baby spinach

Bibimbap

• 2 tablespoons plus 2 teaspoons vegetable oil
• 1 tablespoon toasted sesame oil
• 4 large eggs
  
  PREPARATION
  1. Make the Chile Sauce: Whisk gochujang, water, oil, and sugar together in small bowl. Cover and set aside. Make the rice: Bring rice, water, and salt to boil in medium saucepan over high heat. Cover, reduce heat to low, and cook for 7 minutes. Remove rice from heat and let sit, covered, until tender, about 15 minutes.

2.Prep the vegetables:  While rice cooks, stir together water, scallions, soy sauce, garlic, and sugar. Heat 1 teaspoon oil in Dutch oven over high heat until shimmering. Add carrots and stir until coated. Add 1/3 cup scallion mixture and cook, stirring frequently, until carrots are slightly softened and moisture has evaporated, 1 to 2 minutes. Using slotted spoon, transfer carrots to small bowl.  Heat 1 tsp oil in now-empty pot until shimmering. Add mushrooms and stir until coated with oil. Add 1/3 cup scallion mixture and cook, stirring frequently, until mushrooms are tender and moisture has evaporated, 3 to 4 minutes. Using slotted spoon, transfer mushrooms to second small bowl. Heat remaining 1 tsp oil in now-empty pot until shimmering. Add spinach and remaining 1/3 cup scallion mixture and stir to coat spinach. Cook, stirring frequently, until spinach is completely wilted but still bright green, 1 to 2 minutes. Using slotted spoon, transfer spinach to third small bowl. Discard any remaining liquid and wipe out pot with paper towel.

3. Make the Bibimbap Heat 2 tbsps vegetable oil and sesame oil in now-empty pot over high heat until shimmering. Carefully add cooked rice and gently press into even layer. Cook, without stirring, until rice begins to form crust on bottom of pot, about 2 minutes. Using slotted spoon, transfer carrots, spinach, and mushrooms to pot and arrange in piles that cover surface of rice. Reduce heat to low.

4. Make the Eggs: While crust forms, heat remaining 2 teaspoons vegetable oil in 10-inch nonstick skillet over low heat for 5 minutes. Crack eggs into small bowl. Pour eggs into skillet; cover and cook about 2-2.5 minutes. Slide eggs onto vegetables in pot.

5. Finish it:  Drizzle 2 tbsps gochujang sauce over eggs. Without disturbing crust, use wooden spoon to stir rice, vegetables, and eggs until combined. Just before serving, scrape large pieces of crust from bottom of pot and stir into rice. Serve in individual bowls, passing