Why hello there, and welcome to Kitchen Catastrophe, where…hoo boy, what a month July was. Back and forth across the mountains, a minor collision, the car dying 4 days later, opening and closing a play…madness, all around. Which is why, just like last week, I really haven’t been able (or, more technically correct, WILLING) to do a lot of cooking. Especially given that it’s been a record-setting heat wave of a month on top of all that. Oh, where are my manners? I’m Jon O’Guin, and because of that sea of complications, today we’re cooking something disgustingly basic. A post I’ve long considered making, but never committed to. And now, here we are: what I normally have for breakfast. I assure you, we’ll have more interesting dishes later in the month, once I’m fully unpacked and planned, but for today, I just want to talk about what I threw together this morning, and why. If you just want the recipe, click this link. For everyone else, let’s dig in.

A Hot Cup of Clarification

I should be a little more precise with my definition, here. Because “what I normally have for breakfast” is probably most commonly “lunch”. And, especially in the last 9 months or so, the number 1 follow-up is probably “Doordash”. But though the definition be madness, there is a method in’t. (Note: this section is probably going to be ALL personal deets, so if you want to get to food facts, I’d skip to the next bit.)

The first thing that creates an issue is, of course, the timing. My standard sleep schedule is a little wobbly, but somewhere in the range of 1:30-2 AM to 9:30-10 AM. Now, for the last couple years, that’s been PARTICULARLY wobbly, for a variety of reasons, most of them fairly valid/medical…though less valid given the lack of action taken. (ie, my bed and mattress are around 29 years old, and have long since stopped being comfortable…but the process of replacing either has been a real bitch to organize: Given my size, my mother doesn’t want to replace the mattress unless we upgrade to a full, which means I need a new frame. But my current frame is the top half of a bunkbed, with 18” of space underneath that I use for storage. And it is FULL. So to replace my mattress, I need to find a bedframe with 18” of lift, capable of supporting my weight, and have a full day to get the new frame in and the old frame out…a process complicated by a bookshelf partially blocking the door to my room.)

I essentially live in one of these puzzles.

Between that, my allergies, depression and anxiety, et al, it has not been uncommon (especially during COVID) for me to not wake up until 11 or later. Thus, “lunch” for breakfast.

Similarly, for the last 9ish months, I’ve created a new habit where, on days where I’m working on the post, I just order Doordash for breakfast. This lets me get right to work on the post, freeing up time and energy…except it totally doesn’t, as we’ll cover later.

The last component is the most…complicated. And it’s tied to what I call my “shoe-elf” or “Cobbler-elf” issue: I don’t like to do chores around other people. I don’t like to be observed doing chores by other people either. That may sound like the same thing, but it’s subtly different, due to this little thing called “windows”. The reasons why are complicated and rooted in weird implicit lessons I picked up in my formative years. (Though the window bit is actually easy enough to explain: I don’t like putting shirts or pants on while handling household issues, but the window in front of the kitchen faces directly out onto the cul-de-sac and street, so if I try to make breakfast in my underwear, I am facing the prospect of any passing car or the neighbor kids playing outside seeing my pale porkchop of a body mostly undressed.)

It should be noted that though the window concern is easier to understand, it’s also still clearly rooted in anxiety, since the window is mostly obscured.

So yeah, by “what I normally have”, I mean “the menu I developed back when I lived alone in an apartment with no windows between my bedroom and kitchen, so I had full un-self-conscious autonomy”. Was that way-too-much information? Yes, but like Dickens, I get paid by the word. (I actually get paid by the month, so who knows why I do the things I do.) Anyway, let’s unpack Jon’s go-to breakfast.

A Tale of Twos

I’m not going to lie to you: my go-to breakfast is boring. It uses…4 implements and a plate. It takes about 4 minutes to put together. And it’s predicated on a thing I learned years ago that may or may not be true. Namely, the 30/30 diet…can we call this a diet? I don’t know. The idea is “eat 30 grams of protein within 30 minutes of waking up.” Supposedly, this helps regulate your hunger over the course of the day, and will even help shift your body into burning fat stores. According to one of the most prominent advocates of the idea, Tim Ferriss, author of “4 Hour Workweek”, “4 hour body”, and several other New York Times best-selling books, almost all of which are about self-improvement, time-management, or learning, the 30/30 breakfast will help you burn up to 5x more fat over the course of a day, helping you lose up to 10 or 20 pounds of fat a month.

In Arizona, you can replace that with one sundae a month! Until the diabetes sets in.

IS this true? I don’t know. As mentioned, I am very erratic about sleep. But I came up with a breakfast that matched the requirements, tried it, liked it, and it became my default way to make myself breakfast. So, what’s my secret? Let’s break it down. It’s 2 pieces of wheat toast, one with 2 scrambled eggs, the other with a tablespoon of peanut butter…and then I just kind of riff. A glass of milk, something fruit-based, maybe a sweeter bread product like a muffin or something.

The reasoning is that the toast gives fiber, the eggs and peanut butter give about 18-20 grams of protein, the bread’s another 10-12, so if you get it all with milk, you’ll definitely hit 30 grams. And also, the only things you have to cook are 2 pieces of toast, and 2 eggs. It is surprisingly kind of generic/bland, sure, but in the same way that Steve Jobs used to only wear turtlenecks and jeans so he didn’t have to waste time thinking in the morning, something simple like this lets me spend the time making breakfast thinking about other meals/internet arguments I’ll make later.

First, you’re going to have to move stuff. My family treats EVERY flat surface as a shelf (a problem particularly exacerbated right now, given all the stuff we needed to get together for the wedding), so our toaster is the home for a collection of small plastic plates and bowls.

And some Asian soup spoons, which we tend to use for hot pot.

You’ll want the toaster prepped and ready, because my recipe for scrambled eggs goes fast. I don’t 100% remember where I got it from, and we’ll probably talk about a couple different styles of scrambled eggs on Thursday, so I’ll just go over what I’m doing, and why. Now, if you’re used to diner style scrambled eggs, or are my brother Nathan, you might think of scrambled eggs as being almost rubberized sheets of egg: Almost like firm tofu, or those layers of egg you get in a McMuffin. That approach, while perfectly fine, is not what most higher-end chefs aim for: to them, the value of an egg is richness, and creaminess, so cooking an egg to fully set is kind of a waste. My eggs are closer to their style, but not as extreme as some, though the difference can be hard to explain. If Nate’s eggs are crumbled tofu, mine are closer to like, oatmeal.

It’s very hard to describe soft proteins without getting into “squicky” terminology.

The main thing to know when scrambling eggs are: heat and beat. Specifically, the more you mix (“beat”) the eggs, the smaller the curds will be, and the hotter you cook them, the harder they’ll set. Especially because if you don’t get the eggs out of the pan, or add something to absorb the excess heat, a higher cooking temp will lead to more residual cooking. This is where you see “weeping eggs”, where little droplets of water bead up on the eggs, or form a little puddle under them: that’s water that was squeezed out of the egg as it ‘cooked’ from its set state, forcing it to tighten. Many pro chefs work with “constant low heat” to get something closer to like, a mousse.

Get a (preferably non-stick, but I’ve done this in normal ones too) skillet, pop it on a pan, and put it on medium-high to high heat for 1 minute. Depending on your toaster, start the bread either right as the pan starts heating, or whenever feels right. While that’s going, prep the eggs. For one person, I crack 2 eggs into a small bowl. Conveniently, the bowls we keep on top of the toaster are the perfect size for this.

Due to a fridge problem, I had to use one store-bought egg, and one fresh one. You can really see the difference in color between the pale store-bought yolk and the orange-r fresh one.

Once whipped, get 1 tablespoon of butter. Toss the butter in the pan, and turn the heat down to low. The butter will sizzle and hiss as it melts, foaming up. Wait until the hiss dies down a little, and then add the eggs. Season with salt and pepper, and then beat for about 1 to 2 minutes, making sure to try and stop bigger curds from forming. And just before you think it looks done is when it’s ACTUALLY done (since it will cook a little more), so hopefully your bread is ready, because now it’s time to flop it out of the pan, and onto the bread. Spread the peanut butter on the other slice of toast, grab some kind of fruit products, (editor’s note: and some trail mix for variety the second time you make this) and you’re ready.

Look, yes it’s kind of boring. But so are most bricks, until you build something amazing out of them.

And that’s it. Start to finish, maybe 7 minutes. You dirty a knife for the butter and peanut butter, the fork for whipping the eggs, the bowl you mixed them in, and the spatula. The eggs are going to be…man, it’s so hard to describe. French eggs are practically still liquid, they’re so soft. This is more like a soft oatmeal, or a congee, or something in that vein. Instead of pouring them out of the pan, the pour is more of a flopping “roll”. It’s creamy protein that goes great with the toast. It’s simple, quick, and does the trick, so I’d suggest you give it a try at home.

THURSDAY: I GUESS WE TALK SOME MORE ABOUT EGGS. THE GOO, THE BAD, THE RUBBERY.

MONDAY: IT MIGHT BE A HOT DOG RECIPE. OR IT MIGHT BE SOMETHING MORE COMPLICATED. GIVE ME TILL THURSDAY TO WORK IT OUT.

Recipe

Jon’s Quick Breakfast

Ingredients

2 pieces of wheat bread

2 eggs

Salt and Pepper

1 tbsp butter

1 tbsp peanut butter

Preparation

1. Place a skillet on medium-high heat, and heat for 1 minute. While pan heats, place toast in the toaster.

2. Crack the two eggs into a small bowl, and whisk until homogenous. Season with salt and pepper. Add butter to the pan, and turn heat to low. Once butter is melted, add the eggs, and cook, stirring frequently, until desired consistency. Drape over one slice of toast, and spread other slice with peanut butter.