Why hello there! And welcome back to Kitchen Catastrophes, where Jon is in a tizzy because he is VIOLENTLY overbooked. A mild migraine last night, a surprise chicken chore today, and trying to schedule two months of stuff has crunched my time to nothing. So if you just want the recipes, follow this link. For everyone else, let’s take a quick overview of what we’re covering today!

 

Top it Up

Today’s post is going to look a lot like our post from 2 weeks ago, due to raw NEED: I have a huge schedule conflict this weekend, where I personally will be out of town Thursday through Monday, and my memorial day weekend was jam-packed with stuff. A one-hour visit to the mechanic on Friday turned into a 2 hour wait to be told “Should be done by the end of the day” which in turn became “come back at 4 PM tomorrow”, Saturday was two different get-togethers in two separate towns that I wasn’t home from until around 2 AM, Sunday I had ANOTHER social obligation, and then Monday my family tried eating a Korean Barbecue place for the first time…which turned out to be a great experience with slightly tragic repercussions: the amount of sodium I consumed and the heat of the day combined to dehydrate me enough to trigger a 4-hour migraine Monday evening, killing my ability to do the research or writing for this, especially when our motion-detecting doorbell/camera started going off around midnight for no reason.

“I DETECT MOTION”
”Ring, you show only darkness.”
”THE DARKNESS MOVES, CHILD.”

Tuesday, while trying to clean up the left-over pine shavings from Blue’s quarantine,  I discovered that something had pried up the sheeting that covers our chicken’s nesting boxes. It doesn’t look like anything got in, but something certainly tried to, so we got to spend what seemed like an hour dealing with grumpy chickens, heat, and trying to critter-proof the box at least for the day…so that mom and I could do a better job TODAY. (Editor’s note: A sudden message Tuesday night and an unfortunately timed stress response of “if we have so much to do, why don’t I force you to try and operate on only 3.5 hours of sleep” ended up cramming Jon’s Wednesday full of even MORE new stuff to handle, so that “today” was meant to be yesterday. We apologize for the longer-than-intended delay.)

Now, I knew I had a bunch of things going on this past weekend, so I planned it out that I’d be making burger toppings. Why? Well, because Memorial Day weekend is often seen as “the start of summer” or “the start of grilling season”. It is also, of course, a somber day to reflect on the noble sacrifice of our armed forces, and to seek to improve things for their descendants, communities, and nation. But, you know, that’s pretty heavy, so most commercials and comedy-edutainment blogs try to stick to the burgers, yeah?

When it comes to burger toppings, there is a LOT of discussion, disagreement, and death threats: what goes on  or in a burger is SERIOUS business to some people. One place that claims to have invented the burger has a standing ban on ketchup: they will not knowingly let you put ketchup on their burgers. Many say all a burger really needs is some onion and mustard. Or just onion and mayo. The mayo/mustard helps protect the bread from getting TOO soggy, and the onion helps cut the richness of the beef. On the other end of the spectrum, I read a burger today whose toppings were: smoked Gouda, beer onion, pepper bacon, baby arugula, tomato, Dijon, and roasted garlic aioli, all on a jalapeño cheddar bun. Which is A LOT, not the least because of the ominously named “beer onion”.

Beer battered? Braised? Infused? Who’s to say.

So, in the interest of speed, simplicity, and “recipes I think you might actually put in the effort to try”, I made 3-5 very simple recipes you can use to add to burgers. Why “3-5”? Glad you asked!

 

You Sweet and Smoky Little Thing

The first recipe I made was…actually not this, but the first one we’ll TALK ABOUT is this: Candied Bacon. Which may seem like a bridge too far to you guys, but I liked it for this for 2 reasons: first, because it came with a couple variations I could try, and second because if you don’t want candied bacon, this recipe still works, just don’t candy it.

This is a pretty standard Oven-Baked Bacon recipe, which is a school of bacon cooking I have long been converted to: it’s hands-off, it doesn’t spatter, if the foil works it’s easier to clean, and since the bacon is cooked by radiant heat, it doesn’t have the same nooks and bubbles that fried bacon does. Which can be a problem, but especially for burger construction, is very useful. So yeah, if you want a “normal bacon on a burger recipe”, just ignore everything we put on the bacon, and cook it the way we do, and things will be fine. That’s a whole recipe right there.

On TOP of that, we have two different flavors of candied bacon. One is a more classic American flavor profile: Black Pepper Candied Bacon, where you mix…Black Pepper and brown sugar. That’s it. It’s like, “1 tsp pepper and 2 tbsps brown sugar per 6 ounces of bacon” (That may sound like a weird number…but the recipe is based on 12 ounce packages of bacon, so it’s just a half-recipe.)

I, uh…didn’t take a picture of the black pepper brown sugar, so I moved this picture of the bacon down from where it was going to be, because I don’t have the time or patience to remake the pepper sugar

By the way, fun fact, it turns out that my pepper mill takes like, 40 cracks to make 1 tsp of cracked black pepper. Will that number be the same for you? I don’t know, but at least you’ll have some vague idea of where to aim.

The OTHER recipe I used was MUCH more complicated. Specifically, it was about 40% more complicated: instead of just Bacon, brown sugar, and black pepper, it’s bacon, Brown sugar, five-spice powder, and SESAME SEEDS. But you don’t put on the sesame seeds at first. You mix the five spice and brown sugar, rub it on the tops of this half of the bacon. (You only candy the top side, because otherwise the melting sugar would just glue the bacon to the cooking rack. You CAN candy both sides of bacon, but it’s a much more finicky process.)

Brown on Brown on cream: a classic food photo from Jon.

Once the mixture’s rubbed on, THEN you sprinkle the sesame seeds. Very complicated change. Don’t even known why we don’t just mix it in the candying. (I THINK it’s too let them be a little above the sugar, and therefore toast a little more, but that’s mainly a guess.)

Pop the tray into 350 degree oven, and cook for 20-25 minutes, rotating (and swapping racks, if you needed two) halfway through, and going until the bacon looks basically done.

A little pale for my liking, but a little dark for Nate’s, so we compromised.

Let cool for 5 minutes, and it’s ready to slap on burgers/serve as a snack of its own. That’s three recipe done in a flash. What’s next?

 

Yum Yum for My Tum Tum

I assure you, Title Jon hasn’t suddenly become a five-year-old. That IS a reference. Specifically, the next topping we’re talking about is “Yum Yum Sauce” aka white sauce, shrimp sauce, and a bunch of other names. It’s a Japanese-American condiment made popular by teppanyaki places, which you might also hear called “hibachi” places. This is due to confusion: a Japanese hibachi is, basically, a Japanese charcoal fueled Space heater. These were mistaken for a small cooking implement when imported to America (no doubt aided by their resemblance to a Japanese cooking device called a shichirin), so Americans believed that “hibachi” were Japanese grills. So when Teppanyaki (a Japanese style of hot-plate cooking) took off with Benihana, that was the name we gave them.

Shit, the Macrons over the As are much fainter than I thought. DAMN YOU LATVIAN NAMES. ( I have no idea if the photographer is Latvian, I just know this restaurant is in Riga.)

Yum Yum Sauce is pretty easy to explain, given that history: it’s a mixture of mayo, melted butter, miso paste*, tomato paste, cayenne, paprika, and more. It’s a fairly obvious fit because you want something a little spicy, a little tart, and salty to go with all this roasted/fried food. The biggest Yum Yum sauce actually comes from Georgia, where a Taiwanese immigrant working at restaurants noted that many people would come in just to buy the Yum Yum sauce. So he decided to start bottling it and moving it to stores.

One of the frustrating things, however, is that the sauce seems to have kind of sprouted up in many different locations with subtle variations. My recipe, cribbed from America’s Test Kitchen, uses Red Miso, but very few others do (hence my asterisk from earlier. Though I will note that other recipes use umami-rich ingredients like garlic powder or Worcestershire sauce, which this one doesn’t, so they’re probably aiming for the same result.)

Basically garlic powder and tomato paste combined.

There’s another gentleman who’s hosted a website with a free recipe for “Japanese Steakhouse Sauce” for 15 years, based on his own decade-long journey to replicate the taste of the condiment he had one time.

So you’ll be happy to know that the entirety of the recipe is “whisk ingredients together”. Melt some butter, pour a bunch of stuff in a tub, whisk and you’re ready to rock.

Behold your pink new friend.

 Now, perhaps salty-spicy mayo is a little too bold and adventurous. IN that case, let’s try something a little more mainstream.

 

A Classic Creation

The last recipe we’re going to talk about is the classic burger sauce, which right off the bat, I’ve got to say: arguably not-so-classic. Like, as we covered in last year’s Burger Sauce post, most famous burger sauces consist of varying proportions of the same 5-6 ingredients, but for my money/preference I find it kind of weird whenever these sauces DON’T include mustard. Not because I particularly love mustard, but because, as I noted earlier: Mustard has a much longer association with burgers. It’s a weird take for me to have, since if you had asked me as a teen or even in my 20’s, I’d have told you I prefer burgers WITHOUT mustard, but since learning the history, and branching out from my love of sweet-hot mustard, I’ve come to kind of accept and even expect it.  Thus, this “classic burger sauce” feels more like a new riff on In-and-Out Sauce: reducing the amount of sweet pickle relish, and adding in a heft dose of Black Pepper.

Simultaneously way too much like the other sauce, but weirdly visually distinct.

Which is perfectly fine, and I’d even argue a useful and cool potential addition. Who doesn’t think that a slug of black pepper could kick up some burgers?

 

And that’s really it! Bacon, Miso Mayo, and a Burger Sauce. How’d they turn out? Personally, for my money, I was surprised to find that I liked the five-spice bacon more than the black pepper bacon, especially when combined with the Yum Yum sauce. The funky spice of the yum-yum mixed really well with the sweetness of the bacon. I was directly complimented by the host of the party on the five spice bacon. The Classic sauce was also quite good, it just wasn’t as surprising as the other two in concert. So I think for the amount of effort involved, all three recipes are a great investment, and I hope you’re willing to give them a try.

 

NEXT WEEK: I WAS GOING TO TRY TO PRE-LOAD A POST, BUT THAT GOT BURNED TO THE GROUND THANKS TO THE CHICKEN STUFF, MIGRAINE, ETC. SO HOPEFULLY WE CAN GET THE POST UP ON TUESDAY.

 

Recipes

Oven Candied Bacon

Makes 10-12 slices of candied bacon (can easily be halved or doubled)

Ingredients

1 (12 oz) package of center-cut bacon

¼ cup light brown sugar (dark brown will not caramelize correctly)

                Black Pepper

1 tsp cracked black pepper

                   OR

                Five Spice-Sesame

1 tsp five spice powder

1 tbsp white sesame seeds

 

Preparation

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit, setting racks to lower and upper third. Line a rimmed baking sheet (or two, if necessary) with aluminum foil, and cover with a metal cooling/baking rack.

2. Lay the bacon on the rack, and mix the brown sugar with EITHER the cracked black pepper, or the five spice. Sprinkle/lightly rub the seasoned sugar on the top side of the bacon. If using the five-spice recipe, sprinkle bacon with sesame seeds.

3. Place baking sheet in the oven, and bake for 20-25 minutes, rotating (and swapping racks if using more than one) halfway through.

 

Yum Yum Sauce/Spicy Miso Mayonnaise

Makes ¾ cup

Ingredients

½ cup mayonnaise

2 tablespoons water

1 tablespoon unsalted butter, melted

1 tablespoon red miso

1 teaspoon tomato paste

¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper

¼ teaspoon paprika

¼ teaspoon table salt

 

Preparation

1. Whisk together, and chill at least 4 hours and preferably overnight.

 

Classic Burger Sauce

Makes about 1 cup

Ingredients

½ cup mayonnaise

¼ cup ketchup

2 tsps sweet pickle relish

2 tsp sugar

2 tsp white vinegar

1 teaspoon ground black pepper

 

Preparation

1. Whisk together all ingredients. Chill in a small bowl for at least 30 minutes.