Why hello there, and welcome back to Kitchen Catastrophe. Today’s post is…probably going to be a little wobbly. I’m trying to fill in a lot of activity into a fairly narrow span of time, so we may be late if I can’t manage to get everything sorted out. Or maybe I’ll get this done ahead of time. By which I mean ‘before I go to bed”, because this is definitely being put together Sunday night. Now, of course, you can skip the story and get straight to the sweets with this link. Everyone else, let’s dig in.

Austria: the Secret Stickler of European History

Today’s recipe is for an “easy” apple strudel, and I want you to know straight up that THAT name is a matter of relative values. This recipe takes like, 2.5 hours, and working with a notoriously finicky and frustrating ingredient…BUT it’s notably easier than the ORIGINAL recipe, which comes from the ever-uptight Austrians.

Terrible place, really. Not a lot of appeal to it, really.

I’m joking. Partly. Austria has a long running-history as being seen as, in some ways, to Germany what Germany is to other European nations: the rules-focused, precise, and somewhat stand-offish and critical. The culture has historically produced some very well-known figures: Mozart was from Austria, as was Sigmund Freud, and some dude named Adolf Hitler. It’s the setting of The Sound of Music, and like, half the stereotypes I hear about it can be summed up, as one paper put it, as “Bavaria, but less friendly”.  And as a man who is currently in a town built on Bavaria-based Tourism, I thought it appropriate to talk about Apple studel.

What I am not joking about is the difficulty of the dish: In Austria, the proper technique to make the dough for apple strudel involves whipping the dough against a table to stretch it out and check for lumps, and then to roll the dough out so thin that, depending on the source you can read either a newspaper or a love letter through it. Put a small line of filling on one edge, and roll it up layer on layer, until the entire table’s worth of dough is wrapped around the filling in dozens of thin, flaky layers. Or, in the Viennese style (Vienna is the capital of Austria), cover most of the dough in the filling, and roll the ensemble up, producing a kind of swiss-roll or whirlpool effect. Which, given that strudel literally translates as “whirlpool” or “eddy”, technically makes more sense. (It also, technically, means that strudel is a naruto, a sentence that sounds like utter madness.)

It’s interesting that ‘whirlpool’ is the go to example for “swirly thing”.

The process makes a little more sense when you learn it caught on with the Hapsburgs, the OGs of European imperialism. How powerful were the Hapsburgs? You know how, for centuries, only men really counted for inheritance in Europe? Well, the Hapsburgs went extinct in the male line in the mid 1700’s…and continued to rule Austria until 1918. How widespread was their influence? They were Emperor of MEXICO for 3 years in the 1800’s. One of their family mottos was AEIOU, because, in both German and Latin, you can write out “All the World Serves/is subject to Austria” with each word beginning with the corresponding vowel. They were so hard core it looked like the fucking Latin ALPHABET endorsed them. Here’s how powerful the Hapsburgs are/were: Most emperors do not end prettily. They get dragged through the streets, their nations torn asunder. The Hapsburgs lost control of Austria-Hungary after World War 1, because they arguably started the war: you know Franz Ferdinand? Hapsburg. They launched the war, lost it, lost rulership of their country (and the OTHER six countries they legally owned), then decided to take blatant and aggressively anti-Nazi and anti-Communist stances despite being A: the Birthplace of Adolf Hitler, and B: literally bordering the Iron Curtain. And despite all of those details, THEY’RE STILL ALIVE. The Hapsburgs have outlived the Thousand Year Reich, and the Soviet Union. The current head of the house, Karl, even beat COVID in April! That kind of resilience is why for a long ass time, they were the epicenter of political power in Europe. And flaky pastry. Fun Fact; strudel Is not the only multi-layered bread product born in Austria, as it was also the birthplace of the Croissant.

Sacre bleu!

Turns out when you have all the money in the world, you can pay people to spend 4 hours rolling out the FANCIEST breads for tea time. So, how does this recipe get around that laborious process? Simple, by replacing that complicated and lengthy dough-making process with pre-made dough! Specifically, PHYLLO DOUGH.

Phyllo, or Filo, dough is a very thin, very basic dough, that is uses in a wide array of pastries, both savory and sweet. It’s most classically associated with things like Baklava, (which supposedly helped inspire the invention of Strudel: gifts from visiting Ottoman royals and emissaries led to requests for similar treats by the royals, which the kitchen staff attempted to replicate) and a wide array of Turkish and Greek dishes.

Also, I’ve just realized this means that the last two posts have been about thinly layered desserts built for Eurasian emperors. Now I’m really tempted to scrap my plans for next Monday’s post, and make baklava. (I am TEMPTED, but I will probably resist. The only day I COULD feasibly do it is Sunday, and also since my mother and brother quite like Baklava, it would be unconscionably rude to make it both after leaving town, AND stealing the best dish in the kitchen for making it.

“Jon, on Facebook you said you pre-cooked recipes so you don’t have to cook in Leavenworth. So why did you bring a dish with you?”
”MY GOALS ARE BEYOND YOUR UNDERSTANDING”

SO let’s talk about how to make this bad boy now, and I’ll make up a time for some baklava later.

The Easy Part

So, the Apple strudel, or apfelstrudel if you’re nasty, is composed of two parts, a hard part, and an easy part. And the Easy part is also hard. Or rather, It’s more that it’s a LONG part. See, obviously, apple strudel needs apples. Specifically, almost two pounds of golden delicious apples that need to be peeled, cored, and cut into ½ inch chunks. Now, I’m certain it can be done faster, as I was working at night, so I was intentionally going a little slow, trying to be fairly quiet (ie, no quick chopping), so it took me about 450 minutes to get from around 6 whole apples to a bowl of apple chunks.

This is a disturbing amount of work to accomplish.

Once chunked up, the first step gets a lot easier: you just toss the apples in a flavor mixture consisting of ground ginger, ground cinnamon, some salt, some sugar, as well as a bit of lemon zest and lemon juice! Which has just caused me to realize that I have left a partially zested lemon in the fridge at home. Welp, their problem now, I guess. Toss the mixture in a large, microwave-safe bowl, and then cover it with microwave-safe cover, and throw it out a window.

No, obviously you gotta microwave it for 2 minutes, stirring it once at the 1 minute mark. Then let it sit, covered, for five minutes. This is doing a couple things: firstly, it’s causing the apples to bleed some juice NOW, so they don’t get the insides of the strudel sopping wet (normally, you would stew down the apples, a process that can itself take hours); Secondly, it’s activating a enzyme that reinforces the apple’s natural pectin This will let the apple stay as chunks as the strudel bakes, rather than dissolving into mush.

Now, that will only help somewhat, so drain the liquid into another bowl (we’ll use it later to lacquer the outsides of the strudel), and then mix the seasoned apples with some golden raisins and panko breadcrumsbs, both of which will ALSO absorb liquid from the apples during the cooking process, and helping to form a kind of cohesive filling as the breadcrumbs absorb the apple juices and dissolve to make a gel for the apples to sit in.

I thought I had a picture of that, but instead, see how much liquid came out of the apples during microwaving.

And that’s the easy part done! Let’s start the hard part!

The Harder-Than-it-Needed-to-Be Part

 So, the next step is to assemble the phyllo dough, fill it, and bake it. And let me tell you, as they say on the political podcasts I listen to: the brevity of “assemble the phyllo dough” in that direction is doing a LOT of heavy lifting. Because “assemble the phyllo dough”, broken down, is “if necessary, prep your phyllo sheets, and then take a large number of very delicate dough sheets, which are sticking together in frustrating ways, and construct a series of layers consisting of “phyllo dough, melted butter, powdered sugar, repeat”.

At least it’s visually interesting, you know?

And just every step of this was something of a pain. First off, you want 14 sheets that are 14” by 9”…and MY box of phyllo dough was 18 sheets at 18” by 14”. Which…Fine. Just peel off 4 sheets and cut the remainder in half. Take the 14 you need, and leave the rest in the phyllo dough box in the fridge, where it will presumably be thrown away at some point while you’re out of town. Now, get ready for some frustrations! Like I said, phyllo dough is VERY delicate. So you are in for a process where you’re trying to gently peel the next sheet off of the stack, and hoping that it doesn’t tear IN THE SAME PLACE as the last one, because…it’s gonna tear. Like, maybe I didn’t use the right cover to keep them soft and supple, but my sheets were so wonky that I legitimately somehow ended up with different numbers of sheets. Like, okay, you’ve got 14 sheets, and that’s because you’re actually making 2 strudel. Seven sheets each. But some of my sheets refused to peel off of the next one, and I think one tore across a micro-layer.

Eventually, you get a 7 sheet mat, with butter and powdered sugar between each layer (this is to glue the layers together, so the top doesn’t flake out into nothing when you try to cut it) On this, you’re going to layer out half of the apple mixture….

A shocking revelation, which is why this is so blurry. It’s not because my hands were covered with apple.

And do what some would call “the reverse Chipotle burrito”: you gotta fold in the sides, and then fold in the other edges, keeping the seam on top and pressing it firmly to seal. Then brush the top and sides with the reserved apple juices. This will let the outside brown more easily, and infuse a nice little subtle apple flavor into the crusts.

Pop them onto a greased baking sheet, and bake for around 30ish minutes, until golden brown on the outside, rotating halfway through so both brown nicely. Then take out your perfect little strudel.

“Perfect” in the sense of “if you need a place to hide from Hoth Ice”

Yeah, one of mine burst, because it was…overfilled? I don’t know. Like, sheets were a little thinner than they were supposed to be, (my 18” sheets turned out to be 17”) so that lost half inch probably cost me a little in terms of filling space. (I actually ended up saving like, 1/3rd cup of the filling because I couldn’t reasonable fit it in, a call I made BEFORE one of them burst.) So maybe if you get the right sheets, or correctly sizes sheets, you won’t have that problem.

Once baked, you’re supposed to take the strudel out and cut it while it’s still warm, about 3-5 minutes after taking it out, so that the phyllo layers on top don’t have time to dry out and separate. Once cut into thirds, cool for at least another 20 minutes. Serve them still-warm, or at room temp, and dust them with powdered sugar at serving.

Maybe cut it with less brutish strength so you can see the apple filling.

And they tasted…fine. Not amazing, not bad. They tasted like apple and sugar. Personally, I would have liked them to taste MORE like EITHER of them, but as it stood, they were okay. The best guideline I can give them is this: they’re $2.50 pastries. Like, if you handed me one, and said “that cost me $5”, I’d say you got ripped off. (Well, actually, I’d make a sort of non-committal grunt, because I’d need SEVERAL more details before I would  have the social confidence to make that declaration.) If you said you got it for $2, I’d say “that’s a pretty good deal.” Not amazing, not bad. (Note: at least at my local grocery store, it will actually cost you about $3 per serving to make these: the phyllo dough is a little under $2, the apples are about $0.60, and the small amounts for butter, sugar, spices, etc.)

So…I guess what I’m saying is If you see Phyllo dough on sale, and have an afternoon where you want to fiddle with sheets of dough to appease our immortal Hapsburg masters, now you know how to pull it off.

THURSDAY: JON REVIEWS A BOOK NOT CURRENTLY IN HIS POSSESSION, MEANING HE WILL HAVE TO HARASS HIS BROTHER FOR PICTURES. THAT’LL END WELL.

MONDAY: WE HAVE MULTIPLE OPTIONS, BUT SINCE WE HAD TWO DESSERTS IN A ROW, I’M GOING TO MAKE SOMETHING MORE SAVORY. IN A RED SAUCE. THE ONLY QUESTION IS, MEAT, OR MESS?

Recipe

“Easy” Apple Strudel

Makes 6 servings

Ingredients

                Filling

1 ¾ pounds Golden Delicious apples, peeled, cored, and cut into 1/2-inch pieces

3 tablespoons granulated sugar

½ teaspoon grated lemon zest plus 1 1/2 teaspoons juice

¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon

¼ teaspoon ground ginger

Salt

3 tablespoons golden raisins

1 ½ tablespoons panko bread crumbs

                Phyllo

7 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted

1 tablespoon confectioners' sugar, plus extra for serving

14 (14 by 9-inch) phyllo sheets, thawed

Preparation

1. Toss apples, granulated sugar, lemon zest and juice, cinnamon, ginger, and 1/8 teaspoon salt together in large bowl. Cover and microwave until apples are warm to touch, about 2 minutes, stirring once halfway through microwaving. Let apples stand, covered, for 5 minutes. Transfer apples to colander set in second large bowl and let drain, reserving liquid. Return apples to bowl; stir in raisins and panko.

2. Adjust oven rack to upper-middle position and heat oven to 375 degrees. Spray rimmed baking sheet with vegetable oil spray. Stir 1/8 teaspoon salt into melted butter.

3. Place 16 1/2 by 12-inch sheet of parchment paper on counter with long side parallel to edge of counter. Place 1 phyllo sheet on parchment with long side parallel to edge of counter. Place 1 1/2 teaspoons confectioners’ sugar in fine-mesh strainer (rest strainer in bowl to prevent making mess). Lightly brush sheet with melted butter and dust sparingly with confectioners’ sugar. Repeat with 6 more phyllo sheets, melted butter, and confectioners’ sugar, stacking sheets one on top of other as you go.

4. Arrange half of apple mixture in 2 1/2 by 10-inch rectangle 2 inches from bottom of phyllo and about 2 inches from each side. Using parchment, fold sides of phyllo over filling, then fold bottom edge of phyllo over filling. Brush folded portions of phyllo with reserved apple liquid. Fold top edge over filling, making sure top and bottom edges overlap by about 1 inch. (If they do not overlap, unfold, rearrange filling into slightly narrower strip, and refold.) Press firmly to seal. Using thin metal spatula, transfer strudel to 1 side of prepared baking sheet, facing seam toward center of sheet. Lightly brush top and sides of strudel with half of remaining apple liquid. Repeat process with remaining phyllo, melted butter, confectioners’ sugar, filling, and apple liquid. Place second strudel on other side of prepared sheet, with seam facing center of sheet.

5. Bake strudels until golden brown, 27 to 35 minutes, rotating sheet halfway through baking. Using thin metal spatula, immediately transfer strudels to cutting board. Let cool for 3 minutes. Slice each strudel into thirds and let cool for at least 20 minutes. Serve warm or at room temperature, dusting with extra confectioners’ sugar before serving.