Why Hello There, and welcome to Kitchen Catastrophes. Today, we revisit the Culinary Compendium, where Jon provides “helpful”(and trust me, those are some pretty big air-quotes) definitions and explanations for various terms you may encounter in your culinary expeditions. Why? Because Jon likes words, likes food, and likes using the third person.

Today’s Compendium will be focused on baking. And before you ask, no, not the kind with weed; while marijuana culture does provide some fascinating etymologies, such as “Bogarting the weed”, where you hold onto the joint rather than passing it, (That derives directly from Humphrey Bogart, who would often hold a single cigarette in his mouth for an entire scene, rather than in his hands.) I’m at best a novitiate of the narcotic arts. No, we’ll have to focus on you know, OVEN baking. So, pass the Dutch Oven on the left hand side, and let’s begin. (That may be the worst pun I’ve ever written. It’s so dumb, I think it actively gave me a headache.)

BAKER’S DOZEN

1.      (n). A collection of 13 items. 

2.      Why is this more than a dozen? Because medieval and ancient cultures did NOT fuck around when it came to breads. In Egypt, if you were a baker proven of cheating someone, they nailed your EAR to your own door.  Babylon cut off your hand! This was because bakers worked differently than they do now: namely, most people brought THEIR OWN FLOUR/DOUGH to the baker, and he just cooked it. So, if you gave someone less than they paid you for, you were presumably also stealing their dough/flour. (This is made more confusing by the fact that in many cultures, part of the price for the baker was some of the dough so he could feed his family.)  Eventually, England just said “Look, THIS IS HOW MUCH 12 LOAVES OF BREAD SHOULD WEIGH.” And failing to meet that number could result in heavy fines. So Bakers started throwing in an extra loaf to be sure that they met the minimum weight.

Combined with the 16th century's love of puns, the life of an Elizabethan baker was a harsh one. "Come now, my goodman, loaf not too much, but neither should thy loafing be light!" Ha. Ha. Ha,

BATTER

1.      (n) An integral role in baseball, without whom the game is just two men playing catch with 7 dudes standing around watching.

2.      A mixture of flours and liquids, typically intended to be fried, that is thin enough to pour, distinguishing it from a DOUGH.

3.      (v) – How the Irish show affection to their spouses.

BREAD

1.      (n) Arguably the single most symbolically important food in human history. Research indicates humanity may have been making bread for over 30,000 years. By comparison, we’ve only been making TOWNS for 15,000. Bread holds a significant role in both Christian and Jewish customs. If you provide for your family, you are the “breadwinner”. The Bolshevik revolution promised “Peace, Land, and Bread”. India says that all you need in life is “bread, cloth, and house.” If your people cannot afford bread, your civilization is dead. The word “Lord”, a title so foundational it became shorthand for God, comes from “hlafweard”, an Old English word meaning “Bread Keeper.”

2.      (n) a baked good formed from a DOUGH consisting of at least flour and water.

3.      (v) to cover in a starch based coating.

4.      QUICK ~ : (n) a bread formed without Yeast, typically leavened by baking powder, baking soda, or both. Things such as muffins,  biscuits, scones, and banana bread are all quick breads.

CAKE

1.      (n) A dessert confection comprised of at least flour and water, typically leavened with Baking powder, baking soda, or both. If that sounds exactly like a quick bread, welcome to the last 80 years of baking semantics arguments. It’s clear that there IS a difference, but exact line is unclear. A working definition states that quick breads typically have an irregular crumb texture vs cake’s uniform one, Cake SHAPES tend to be more uniform or expressly decorative, and cakes tend to be sweeter and more delicate.

2.      (n) Cocaine. Specifically, a kilo of cocaine.

3.      (n) Money.

4.      (n) The ass or vagina of a woman.

5.      Remember when I said bread is used in a ton of symbolic arenas? And how cake is basically fancy bread? Yeah.

6.      One time, back when I worked at a bakery, I wrote profanity on a cake. In my defense, the people ordering the cake directly asked for it. In my condemnation, I had been directly informed that it was against store policy some days before. I told the women to keep the profanity hidden from any children, and made the cake. I stand by my decision.

This is not the cake in question, as I was wiser than to take photographic evidence of my sins, but it is identical in spirit.

CREAM

1.      (n) The layer of milk with a higher butterfat content, that floats to the top and is skimmed off before homogenization.

2.      (v) to whip together butter and sugar, using the sugar to tear the structure of the butter to incorporate air, creating a lighter texture in the finished baked good.

3.      (acronym) Cash Rules Everything Around Me. Featured in the Wu-Tang song C.R.E.A.M., and referenced in the song “sweetest girl” by Wyclef Jean. Which is potentially not the greatest rap song in the world, because it’s really more an R&B jam. And “Worldwide Choppers” exists.

Busta Rhymes, Tech N9ne, Yelawolf, and more. Hell, two verses aren't in English. It's the shit.

DOUGH

1.      (n) A mixture used in the forming of baked goods, consisting of at least water and flour, that is too thick to be poured, and must be manipulated by hand. See BATTER.

2.      (n) Cash. Moolah. Greenbacks. The root of all evil. Money. Currency. Dolla Dolla bills, y’all.

PIE

1.      (n) 3.14159, and that’s all I know because being accurate to 1/100,000th is accurate enough for anyone who isn’t NASA.

2.      (n) A sweet or savory baked dish consisting of a pastry shell containing a filling. The sides are sloped, the pastry dough is meant to be crisp or flaky, and the pie may be covered by another sheet of the dough. Pies are frequently served in the dish they were cooked it. See TART.

PROOF

1.      (n) a necessary step in creating yeasted breads, where the bread rests for a time, allowing the dough to rise. This step can occur as many as four times in a recipe, allowing the bread to rise at multiple junctures, for an increased texture.

2.      (v) a treatment for Yeast, before making yeasted bread, wherein dry active yeast is mixed with warm water and allowed to sit briefly, in order to re-energize the yeast organisms.

3.      (n) What I have of your sins. Send the money by mail, and expect a response within a week.

The amount is up to you, but a suggested value is included.

TART

1.      (n) a sweet or savory baked dish consisting of a pastry shell containing a filling. The sides are normally vertical, the pastry dough is meant to be firm or crumbly, and the tart is never covered by another layer of dough. Tarts are almost never served in the dish they were cooked in. See PIE. ETYMOLOGY: from The French Tourte, referring to a kind of stuffed or sweet bread.

2.      (n) a promiscuous or flirtatious woman. ETYMOLOGY: A compression of “sweetheart”, or a reference to the revealing nature of the baked good.

3.      (adj) Having a sharp, acidic, or sour taste. ETYMOLOGY: From the old English Tearte, meaning ‘Severe, Rough, or Sharp”

4.      POP ~ (n) a toaster pastry made by Kellogg’s, that, because it covers the filling, is definitely NOT a tart. In fact, the original name was “Fruit Scone”, but they renamed them to make the name resemble the Pop Art of Andy Warhol, which was popular at the time. Just in looking up that etymology, I’ve learned some fascinating shit about Pop Tarts, so expect a later post about them. As a quick taste/teaser: by 2014, Pop Tarts had had 32 years of continual sales growth. I don’t think DIAMONDS had that level of market stability.

That's our definitions for the day, hope this help clear up any baking or Midwest/Haitian Rap artist questions you may have had. As always, feel free to share our posts on Facebook, like our Facebook page for updates and Jon complaining about his family's chickens, and consider supporting us on Patreon. The site costs about $30 a month to run without factoring in labor, ingredients, or general other costs. We're currently sitting at $26 a month, so if we get just $5 a month more in support, we'll no longer be running in the red! 

MONDAY: THINGS GET SMOKIN' HOT, AS JON REVISITS RIBS, AND THE FAMILY SMOKER. NO, NOT UNCLE PAT. THE COOKING DEVICE.